Well holy fuck. When I first heard about FURY ROAD I'm pretty sure I went through all 5 stages of grief from denial through to depression and finally - after seeing this latest trailer - I've reached acceptance. George Miller is back with a new chapter to the MAD MAX saga, and it looks fucking amazing. Cars, explosions, exploding cars, more cars, guns, cars with guns, and even more cars. And Tom hardy & Charlize Theron right in the middle of it all. So pull up a seat, grab a spare pair of pants and prepare yourself for 2 and a half minutes of awesome.
Synopsis: "An apocalyptic story set in the furthest reaches of our planet, in a stark desert landscape where humanity is broken, and most everyone is crazed fighting for the necessities of life. Within this world exist two rebels on the run who just might be able to restore order. There's Max, a man of action and a man of few words, who seeks peace of mind following the loss of his wife and child in the aftermath of the chaos. And Furiosa, a woman of action and a woman who believes her path to survival may be achieved if she can make it across the desert back to her childhood homeland" FURY ROAD is scheduled for a May 15, 2015 release.
If you haven't yet seen Jonathan Glazer's UNDER THE SKIN then you might want to get on to that. Like right now. It's pretty fucking rad and Scarlett Johansson is incredible as a sexy alien traipsing around the Scottish countryside seducing unsuspecting men. Visually the movie is stunning and it has a beautiful dreamlike feel and the accompanying soundtrack is perfectly fitting and (for me at least) was one of the most standout elements of the film. Milan Records released the soundtrack on vinyl and before the movie was even over I was online bragging myself a copy.
Mica Levi (of Micachu and the Shapes) has composed the score which is just as alien and mesmerising as the movie itself. The record runs through eleven tracks of wavering synth, harsh strings and slow percussion which compliment the imagery of the movie but even on their own create a hypnotic and highly listenable experience. 'Creation' kicks off the album with a rumbling swarm of tremolo which grows to a roar and then recedes as 'Lipstick To Void' enters with a low hollow base punctuated by shrieking strings and a slow, rhythmic almost heartbeat-like percussion.
The strings and percussion are often repeated across the tracks but manipulated by changing the pitch, slowing the tempo or overlaying other sounds. In the context of the film these sounds act as a kind of leitmotif, always associated with Johansson's character and changing as she herself changes, but even without the visual accompaniment they still give the record a sense of change or progression. And finally the alien soundscape culminates in the 7+ minute track 'Alien Loop' with its undulating strings and synth fading out to leave you (if you're anything like me) ready to flip that record and start it all over again.
Directed by: Jeremiah Buckhalt Written by: Chad Coup, Ian H. Davis Starring: Danielle Lilley, Brandon Kyle Peters, Christopher de Padua, Emily Cutting, Gabrielle Ann Henry
"DIE IN SILENCE"
Let's see what we've got here... Isolated house in the country? Check. No cell phone signal? Check. Masked killer? Check. Group of painfully stereotyped friends? Double check.
Yep you guessed it, it's a slasher flick. Slashers have long been a staple of the horror genre and although the 'golden age' is long gone, a solidly put-together modern slasher can still be an enjoyable experience. LAID TO REST, THE ORPHAN KILLER and the HATCHET series are all fine examples of good slashers made in the last decade. The question here is; does BLOOD WIDOW deserve to be added to that list?
Laurie (Lilley) and Hugh (Peters) are a young couple who have just purchased a holiday home away from the hustle and bustle of the big city (in other words; the middle of fucking nowhere). Sure it's a bit of a fixer-upper but it's nice and quiet and the closest house is the run-down place next door which happens to be abandoned. Or is it? (hint: of course it fucking isn't!) To celebrate the purchasing of their new house Hugh decides to invite all of his friends around for a party, but first his friends decide to go explore the 'abandoned' place next door. After all, nothing can go wrong. Right? So they go in, fuck the place up a little and then leave to get ready because it's party time! Unfortunately for them they've disturbed the 'abandoned' structure's resident, and she doesn't appreciate her neighbors and their loud music. But rather than calling in a noise complaint to the cops, she's going to take care of them in her own brutal way.
In case you hadn't already guessed it BLOOD WIDOW is a slasher which follows the tried and true formula which slashers have been doing for decades. But that's part of its charm. It doesn't try to be anything more than what it is, and for a low budget indie effort it does a pretty solid job and has pretty much everything you could expect to see. But as we all know there are only really two things audiences care about when it comes to slasher films; the villain and the gore.The writing can be horrible, the acting can be almost non-existent, the pacing can be all over the place, but as long as the killer and the effects look good all can be forgiven.
Fortunately in the case of BLOOD WIDOW the killer looks great and so does the gore. That's a double bonus right there. I can't stand it when all a slasher can offer in the effects department is some off-camera stabbing and a few blood sprays on the wall, but here we get a smorgasbord of pain. There's decapitations, broken bones, guts tumbling out and even a flogging. There's even some skin, because as we all know the best slashers are the ones with a little good ol' fashioned nudity.
It would be easy to sit here and criticize the cliched plot, the (heavily) stereotyped characters and the villain's paper-thin back-story, but you know what? None of that really bothers me at all. And do you know why? Because it's a fucking slasher. And it does what it's supposed to do and that's good enough for me.
Directed by: Bryon Blakey Written by: Bryon Blakey Starring: Heather Hall, Cindy Means, Elaine Jenkins, David J. Lee, Megan Dehart, Kristin Mothersbaugh
"IT'S HER TIME OF THE MONTH!"
Full Moon Streaming are currently offering a free 1 week trial if you're interested. That's right, one full week of as many movies as you can watch. For free. And there's plenty to choose from, from the expected Full Moon collection (as much PUPPET MASTER, KILLJOY and TRANCERS as you could ever hope for) to a whole slew of grindhouse and exploitation classics (ALIEN CONTAMINATION, INSEMINOID, VIOLENT CITY and THE LAST MAN ON EARTH among others) and even some newer flicks from Wizard Studios, including this gem which instantly caught my eye. I have to admit I don't usually go out of my way to check many movies this side of the new millennium but with the title, artwork and trailer I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch PMS COP. Plus it was free so even if it did end up sucking I wouldn't be losing anything apart from a bit of my not-so-precious time.
The good news is that it didn't suck. Quite the opposite in fact. PMS COP is about Mary (Hall), a cop with a bit of an anger issue who has been on the night shift with her partner James for a few years. After responding to a call of a home intrusion Mary and James chase after a clown who has broken into a woman's house and raped her. After the clown knocks down James and attacks Mary, she decides that this rapist scum needs a good beating. Unfortunately the ass-kicking is caught on camera and Mary's superiors are none too happy. Mary goes to therapy for her anger problems and her therapist refers her to an experimental program which will apparently 'cure' her PMS which is causing her aggression. Unfortunately the experiment involves medication in conjunction with an implanted chip which was in a\its former life a failed military experiment. And we all know how experimental military technology turns out in these type of movies...
Long story short the experiment goes wrong (bet you didn't see that coming!) and Mary's aggression increases. Now PMS COP is on the loose and when her medical handlers try to reign her in she decides that she doesn't want to cooperate. Add in some super-strength mutation and you have an hour and a half of brutal (but strangely sexy) revenge fuelled mayhem. Officer Mary is on the beat, and watch out bad guys because it IS her time of the month.
There's nothing really new here, in case you were wondering. Science-gone-wrong, military technology, profit-hungry, unethical corporation, it's all pretty heavily explored territory. But you know what? That doesn't matter one fucking bit because it's never been done quite like this before. And for a purported budget of around $30,000 (according to IMDb) the filmmakers have done a pretty impressive job of stretching that out. The effects and gore are nicely done, it has a nice soundtrack, the pacing of the film is pretty even. The acting is a bit hit or miss but for a low budget indie effort it's actually above what I normally expect, and the titular character herself is impressively played by both Heather Hall (as pre-experiment Mary) and Cindy Means (as the PMS COP). But most of all it's entertaining and elicits the kind of feeling that I used to get from old exploitation flicks from back in the day. If I have one real criticism it's that I would have liked to have seen the mayhem spread city-wide rather than mostly in one building, but that's hardly a complaint at all. Highly recommended if you're looking for a fun modern take on classic exploitation.
Directed by: Eric Weston Written by: Joseph Garofalo, Eric Weston Starring: Clint Howard, Don Stark, R.G. Armstrong, Joe Cortese, Claude Earl Jones, Lynn Hancock
"DATA INCOMPLETE... HUMAN BLOOD REQUIRED. THUSE SPAKE THE COMPUTER"
Home computers were really starting to capture people's imagination in the 80s and as usual the film industry found ways to capitalize on their popularity. As a result we got movies like WAR GAMES, WEIRD SCIENCE and of course TRON. Basically anything was possible when it came to computers and so we had movies where people could hack into NORAD from the comfort of their own homes, people who could use a pc to construct the 'perfect woman' and even computers with their own intelligence. But do you know what all of these movies were missing? A big ol' dose of the occult. Thankfully EVILSPEAK managed to remedy this situation, combining ancient satanic cults with primitive DOS-based graphics. What more could you ask for?
Stanley Coopersmith (Howard) is West Andover Military Academy's least popular cadet. A typical day for Stanley involves being bullied by his fellow cadets - lead by Bubba (Stark) - and punished by the instructors for any kind of misstep from being late for class to losing the academy soccer match. Everybody hates Stanley (the coach even suggests to Bubba that Coopersmith might meet with an unfortunate 'accident' so that he can't play on the team). As a result he always finds himself punished with extra duties (like cleaning out the hog pens - although why a military academy keeps potentially dangerous boars is a mystery) and it's one of these punishments which leads him to the cellar below the academy's chapel. While tidying the cellar under the watchful (and usually drunk) eye of Sarge (Armstrong) Stanley finds a hidden room filled with ancient books and other occult objects including a human fetus in a jar.
One particular book Stanley takes an interest in was written by Esteban, a satanic cult leader exiled from Spain in the 16th Century. After translating the book (and suffering yet more abuse from his fellow cadets) Coopersmith discovers that with a computer he can perform a black mass which will summon the soul of Esteban and rain down vengeance on his foes. And in what can best be described as a gender-reversal of CARRIE, Stanley the loser finally gets back at all who bullied him, and in some spectacularly gruesome ways I might add. In fact the final showdown is particularly reminiscent of CARRIE with Stanley's tormentors trapped inside the chapel surrounded by flames and a whole lot of blood.
EVILSPEAK has just about everything you could hope for in an 80s horror flick. Ancient satanic cults, decapitations, demonic boars disembowling a naked Lynn Hancock in the shower, TEMPLE OF DOOM-style open heart surgery, computerized black mass blood sacrifices and much more. The film might drag on a little for the first hour but the final half hour or so is so totally worth the wait. Locked in the chapel Stanley's bullies are subjected to the outcast as he channels the angry soul of Esteban, wielding a big fucking sword and dealing out some bloody fucking vengeance. 1981 was a fantastic year for horror movies but unfortunately a lot of people overlook this gem in favor of classics like MY BLOODY VALENTINE, THE PROWLER and HALLOWEEN II. All are great movies and EVILSPEAK deserves a place on the shelf right beside them.
In late 2012 I was fortunate enough to receive a screener for an independent horror film called GUT, which turned out to be rather a nifty movie indeed (you can read the review here). One element of the film which stood out was the score, which was pretty minimalist and in my review I used words such as 'harsh' and 'jarring' - but in a good way of course. It was the perfect accompaniment to the disturbing imagery that was on offer. The man behind that particular soundtrack is a musician who goes by the name of Chvad SB and for the last fortnight I've been giving his new album a thorough listening to.
CRICKETS WERE THE COMPASS is an instrumental album comprised of six tracks and running for just shy of an hour. In the release which came with the CD it's described as 'a testament of loss' and despite the fact that the music is unaccompanied by lyrics the inner sleeve of the case has the track listing with each song followed by a line or two of abstract dialogue. By themselves the words don't make a whole lot of sense but when read all together and in order they make up something almost like a brief story or a poem. And this is where the 'testament of loss' quote starts to become more clear. There's something desolate about the album from the cover depicting a lone dog in some kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland to the track names which include 'It Haunts Her' and 'The Dust Cloud Permeates'. And (at least in my opinion) the music contained on the disc seems to continue the trend.
The album kicks off with 'It Haunts Her' - 7 minutes of undulating drone punctuated by discordant strings which ends in what I can only describe as the musical equivalent of a death rattle.
'A Hair Before Sundown' follows with some really squelchy sounding modulation and sparse percussion which fades away to make way for 'The Dust Cloud Permeates' - the longest track coming in at over 14 minutes. It may be a tad too long for most people but for me it was probably the centerpiece of the album. It's very layered and varies from harsh to melodic and then back again, it's the kind of track that you can keep listening to and each time you'll find something that you hadn't noticed before.
Rather than continuing to describe each track I'm going to stop right here. Let's face it, if you like what you've read so far then you'll enjoy the remaining tracks as well. Don't like what you've read so far? Then this album isn't for you, but just to make sure you should probably scroll down a little and listen to the album opener anyway.
Excuse my pessimism for a moment but I have to be honest - whenever somebody asks me to review their new CD I kind of expect to receive a recording from some kid's pop-punk garage band, or some generic metal. It's not often I actually end up being sent something that fits my musical interests so well. It's happened in the past with CAPA's SHALLOW TOWERS and it's happened once again with this album. Lately I've been listening to a lot of YELLOW MAGIC ORCHESTRA, CABARET VOLTAIRE and EINSTÜRZENDE NEUBAUTEN and so in a way CRICKETS WERE THE COMPASS kind of fit in there comfortably for me. It's not an easy CD to recommend unless you listen to a lot of ambient / drone or old school industrial type stuff. It's also not an easy album to describe, but somehow I'm going to try anyway. Imagine for a second that Jean Michel Jarre got drunk on Absinthe and ended up writing the soundtrack to ERASERHEAD, because that's the only way I can describe this right now. It's a long, drifting sonic soundscape which can be as stark and aggressive as it can be soothing and melodic.
If movie soundtracks, experimental , ambient and/or minimalist music is your thing then do yourself a favor and check out CHVAD SB's CRICKETS WERE THE COMPASS. Listen to the track below and if you really like it you can head over to Siber Records and buy the album.
Sigh... I suppose we're just going to have to keep waiting for a full length WEREWOLF WOMEN OF THE SS to materialize in the future (I'm not giving up hope yet dammit!). In the meantime however Rob Zombie has released a teaser for his upcoming project 3I. It doesn't reveal much more than a creepy clown face which (to me at least) brings to mind a couple of ideas, both being pure speculation of course. Does it have anything to do with Captain Spaulding? Or maybe John Wayne Gacy? But then again maybe it's just there to throw us all off. As I said, pure speculation. So check out the teaser below and speculate away! And stay tuned for any further details.
Director Romain Bassett's HORSEHEAD (aka FIEVRE) looks like it could turn out to be pure nightmare-fuel, which is kind of fitting since thematically the film heavily involves lucid dreaming and terrifying nightmares. Between the imagery and music in the first trailer HORSEHEAD is already on my must-see list. It's currently screening for buyers at Cannes so hopefully somebody snaps it up lickety-split and we can look forward to a release soon thereafter. In the meantime check out the (NSFW) trailer below thanks to Reel Suspects and I dare you to tell me that you're not fucking looking forward to this movie.
Synopsis: "Since her youth Jessica has nightmares. This leads her to study psychophisiolgy of dreams. When her grandmother dies, Jessica must return to the family house. Upon her arrival, she discovers that the body of grandmother will be placed in the adjoining room during the wake. Stuck in bed with a high fever and nightmares, Jessica decides to use her lethargic state to experience lucid dreams and thus try to take control of those nightmares. She will begin to evolve in a nightmarish and dreamish world in order to investigate and to discover the evil that haunts her and the family house"
Directed by: Jack Hill Written by: Jack Hill Starring: Pam Grier, Booker Bradshaw, Sid Haig, Robert DoQui, William Elliott, Allan Arbus
"THE BADDEST ONE-CHICK HIT-SQUAD THAT EVER HIT TOWN"
Prepare yourself for one of the greatest examples of blaxploitation cinema ever. This is the movie that kickstarted Pam Grier's career and won over the hearts (and other certain body parts...) of men everywhere, with her combination of sex appeal and take-no-prisoners attitude. And with good reason; COFFY is an incredible and unforgettable piece of exploitation filmmaking with enough sex, violence, nudity and action to please just about anybody. Reminiscent of vigilante movies like DEATHWISH (but actually preceding it) COFFY has Pam Grier hunting down and exacting revenge on the drug-pushing scum of the city after her sister became hooked on The Big H.
A film's opening scene is usually a good indicator of how enjoyable is going to be, and COFFY has a pretty awesome opener.
Acting the part of a strung out junkie, Coffy (Grier) leads a big-time pusher and a not-so-big-time pusher back to an apartment where - as long as they can hook her up with some smack - she promises to do anything they want. But before Mr Big has time to get his rocks off Coffy pulls a sawn-off shotgun from her macramé purse and blows his no good fucking head off. It's pretty amazing, not quite MANIAC (or even that girl getting her brains blown out in THE BEYOND) amazing, but still pretty amazing. Then she ODs the other dealer before going on her merry way. What a badass.
After her friend and ex-lover - a nice guy cop named Carter (Elliott) - suffers brain damage at the hands of some home invaders (organized by his corrupt cop brethren), Coffy goes ballistic and takes out all manner of scum from the lowliest pusher to mobsters and even a corrupt politician. In order to do this she passes herself off as a Jamaican hooker named Mystique so that she can get up close and personal with her victims before blowing them away. Apart from her mastery of seduction Coffy's biggest asset is her ability to manipulate any situation in her favor, no matter how dire things seem. Getting caught red-handed trying to assassinate mob boss Vitroni (Arbus) is no problem as she smoothly twists the situation around and lays all the blame on pimp daddy King George (DoQui).
There are so many great scenes in this film and the opening shotgun blast to the face is just the beginning. Watch as Coffy gets into a catfight with a roomful of hookers, a fight which ends up tearing a lot of clothing and exposing a lot of boob, and gets bloody thanks to a couple of cleverly concealed razorblades. Watch as Sid Haig's sadistic thug Omar takes King George for a ride around the block, trailing from the back of the car by a rope and leaving a bloodied and mangled corpse by the journey's end. And of course there's the scene where Coffy grills a lesbian junkie just as her 'old man' Harriet walks in the door.
And then there are the characters themselves. There's Coffy of course, but then there's the corrupt congressman Brunswick (Bradshaw), the fabulously dressed pimp King George, violent thug Omar (played with relish by Sid Haig) and a host of other colorful characters. Another notable inclusion is Allan Arbus who plays mobster Arturo Vitroni. I had fond childhood memories of Arbus' portrayal of the kindly psychiatrist Sidney Freedman in about a dozen episodes of M*A*S*H, fond memories which were swiftly shattered as soon as he told Pam Grier to get on her knees, called her a nigger and then spat in her face. Good times.
I could go on about COFFY all day but I don't want to spoil too much. If you take anything away from this review I hope it's the notion that COFFY is fucking rad and you should go watch it now. Because it is and you should.
Directed by: Eddie Romero Written by: H.R. Christian, Joe Viola, Jonathan Demme Starring: Pam Grier, Margaret Markov, Sid Haig, Lynn Borden, Zaldy Zshornack, Eddie Garcia, Vic Diaz
"CHICKS IN CHAINS... ON THE LAM FROM A PRISON HELL - MANACLED TOGETHER BY HATE AND THE IDEAS A WOMAN GETS AFTER 1000 NIGHTS WITHOUT A MAN"
This week at Kvlt Kino it's International Pam Grier Week, and we will be celebrating the queen of blaxploitation all week long. No, it's not an official thing but I figure that if we can have ridiculous events like International Talk Like A Pirate Day or National Gazpacho Day (yes that's a real thing) then surely somebody as iconic and badass as Pam Grier deserves a made-up holiday too. Plus I'm totally in the mood to watch a metric fuck-tonne of movies this week and there's no reason that they shouldn't all star the foxy chocolate queen. So without further ado let's kick off International Pam Grier Week with Eddie Romero's Women in Prison classic BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA.
BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA you may be surprised to know, is about a black woman and a white woman. Amazing I know. There are other women in the film of course but they really aren't that important - well except for the lengthy shower scene, in that case they are all important.
Our two leading ladies are Karen (Markov) and Lee (Grier) - I'll let you figure out which is Black Mama and which is White Mama. Karen is a revolutionary and Lee is a prostitute and they have both landed in a women's prison somewhere on a jungle-festooned island which is never named but is clearly the Philippines. The prison is run by lesbian Matron Densmore (Borden), a woman who likes to bed the more attractive prisoners and even has her own little hidey-hole where she can peek into the showers while she masturbates. The accompanying shower scene (essential for any WIP movie) runs for a decent 5 minutes and there are wet boobs all over the place. It's pretty awesome.
Lee rejects Densmore's advances but Karen is more than happy to enjoy the extra privileges that come with being the Matron's plaything and her black counterpart isn't impressed when she realizes the rest of the girls have to pick up the slack. Lee and Karen argue and fight, ending up with them spending a day in 'the oven'; a steel box situated out under the blistering sun. After being pulled out of the oven half naked and slick with sweat the two are told that they are being transferred so that they can be interrogated because they both have useful information that the police are after. During transport Karen's rebel friends attack and the two women escape, which is good. What's not so good however is the fact that they are handcuffed together. Lee and Karen both have different goals and can't agree on where to go or what to do. Karen wants to meet up with her revolutionary boyfriend Ernesto (Zshornack) but as Lee puts it "Some jive-ass revolution don't mean shit to me!" She'd much rather escape the island with the 40k she stole from drug lord Vic (Diaz).
By now Karen and Lee are running not only from the cops but also a group of bounty-hunters lead by flamboyant womanising cowboy type Ruben (played brilliantly by Sid Haig) and drug baron Vic's gang. The rebels are also on their trail as they try to catch up to Karen so they can complete a deal for some weapons.
The two women traverse the island dodging roadblocks, stealing food, beating up nuns and stealing their clothes and other fun stuff like that, all the while with bloodthirsty gangsters and bounty hunters hot on their trail. The pacing the great with plenty of action and barely a dull moment and director Romero certainly knows how to please an exploitation-hungry audience. It seems that if there isn't gunshots or explosions happening somewhere on screen then there's naked ladies traipsing around, having threesomes with Sid Haig or licking crime lord Vic's greasy, hairy body. And the finale is appropriately climactic with the separate factions finally colliding and having a final gun battle. BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA isn't Grier's best movie by a long shot but it is one hell of an entertaining piece of exploitation gold.
Ever wish there were more plotless torture films with impressive special effects out there? Or more films with sickly, sore-covered sewer-dwelling mermaids oozing pus? Yes? Well then rejoice because the notorious Japanese splatter series that made Charlie Sheen shit his pants and call the FBI looks set to receive an American reboot. According to Fangoria Stephen Biro (whose Unearthed Films released the GUINEA PIG series on dvd in the US) has plans to produce an American series.
According to Biro "Many have tried to copy them, but few have approached their very grim core. Unearthed Films is bringing the white-hot tip of unrelenting gore, unparalleled atrocities and unmerciful slaughter back into the mind's eye of all the horror fans who dared to see what the originals were truly about"
Well that's certainly some pretty big talk there, but can Biro and his team really live up to it? I guess we'll just have to wait until the first entry in the new franchise; BOUQUET OF GUTS AND GORE is released. BOUQUET is set to be directed by Stephen Biro with Marcus Koch (CIRCUS OF THE DEAD) creating the makeup FX and Jim VanBebber (THE MANSON FAMILY) serving as cinematographer
Stay tuned for more on the American series and find out if it really does live up to its notorious predecessors.
Directed by: Yudai Yamaguchi
Written by: Keita Tokaji, Yudai Yamaguchi
Starring: Tak Sakaguchi, Mari Hoshino, Miho Ninagawa, Takamasa Suga, Mickey Curtis
"GRAB YOUR BAT, IT'S TIME TO PLAY BALL!"
I'm just gonna come out and say it; DEADBALL fucking rocks. I have a feeling I already reviewed it on one of my other blogs but fuck it, I'm going to do it again because I just watched the movie for the third or fourth time and it's still as brilliant as it was the first time around.
Back in 2003 director Yudai Yamaguchi unleashed his crazy comedy / action / zombie / musical / baseball film BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL which starred Tak Sakaguchi as a highschool student recruited by the baseball team because of his incredible pitching talent. It was a completely absurd film that peppered musical numbers throughout a violent no-rules baseball game played between two rival teams. It was crazy and entertaining as fuck.
DEADBALL is somewhat of a reimagining of the previous film, an entirely fresh take on the same premise which once again stars Tak Sakaguchi and ditches the highschool location with a more appropriate prison setting. It also cranks everything up to 11. This movie is completely batshit insane, in a way that only the Japanese could create. Tak Sakaguchi plays Jubei, a 17-year old (never mind the fact that Sakaguchi himself was 36 at the time of filming) baseball prodigy whose incredible pitching arm ends up accidentally killing his own father. After swearing off baseball Jubei becomes a vigilante and is eventually captured and imprisoned in the Pterodactyl Juvenile Reformatory. The prison is run by iron-fisted Nazi bitch Ishihara (Ninagawa) and before long Jubei discovers that his brother was previously imprisoned in the same reformatory but died mysteriously. Ishihara recruits Jubei to play for the prison baseball team and he and his teammates find themselves in a deadly no-rules match run by Ishihara to entertain and impress her Nazi friends.
DEADBALL manages to cram in so much ridiculousness that it will have you rolling around with laughter and shaking your head in disbelief in equal measures. Want to see elbow-deep rectal cavity searches? You got it. Vomit eating? That too. Sakaguchi defeating a German-trained martial arts expert with nothing but a salt-shaker? Yep that's in here too, along with a smorgasbord of Looney Tunes-style violence, a sexy but deadly all-female baseball team, testicle removal and a Nazi baseball cyborg cum killing machine. And if that's not enough don't worry because there's plenty more over-the-top craziness, in fact if I wanted to list all of it this review would take half the day to finish.
Tak Sakaguchi is one cool motherfucker, like totally ice cool. He has this Clint Eastwood vibe going on with his poncho and spurs, and he has the badass ability to pull a lit cigarette from off-camera at any time he wants. The climax of the film is the showdown between the Pterodactyl Gauntlets and the St Black Dahlia baseball teams. it's a game with an unconventional scoring system which rewards spectacular kills rather than runs. The array of baseball-related weaponry ranges from spiked bats to grenade balls and fibre-wire balls, all of which batter, slice and blow apart the players left right and centre. The biggest criticism I have about DEADBALL is the overuse of CGI especially when it comes to blood and explosions, although in a way it kind of works within the confines of the comic book (or manga I guess) type violence. If you've seen and enjoyed anything from Sushi Typhoon then you need to check this out right now because it's easily their best offering so far.
Directed by: Mark L. Lester
Written by: Mark L. Lester, C.Courtney Joyner, John Skipp
Starring: Bradley Gregg, Traci Lind, Malcolm McDowell, Stacy Keach, Pam Grier, Patrick Kilpatrick, John P. Ryan
"HIRED TO TEACH. PROGRAMMED TO KILL!"
Welcome to the distant future of the year 1999. The good ol' U.S. of A (and specifically its education system) is falling apart and large areas of its major cities are under the control of vicious gangs. These so-called 'Free-Fire Zones' are so out of control that even the police are too afraid to enter, resulting in lawless battlegrounds and constant gang-driven turf wars. Kennedy High School just happens to be smack-bang in the middle of one of these Free-Fire Zones in an area of Seattle which is home to a pair of warring gangs; The Blackhearts and the Razorheads.
Principal Miles Langford (McDowell) is so sick of the unruly students and lawless state of his school that he agrees to take part in an experiment headed by Dr. Bob Forrest (Keach), a member of the Board of Government Educational Defence. The experiment involves bringing a trio of new teachers to the school, but not just any teachers. The new faculty members may look human but are in fact ex-military cyborgs, reprogrammed to both educate and discipline their students. At first they function as expected, getting just physical enough to keep the students in line, but soon the cyborgs begin to revert to their original military programming and their discipline turns brutal and fatal. Now it's up to recently paroled Blackheart Cody (Gregg) and principal's daughter Christie (Lind) to try and unite the two rival gangs and destroy their new teachers before they all find themselves in eternal detention.
Director Mark L. Lester's follow up to the cult classic CLASS OF 1984 is a pseudo-sequel (later followed by CLASS OF 1999 II) which takes quite a departure from the original and is probably all the better off for it. A direct sequel just wouldn't have worked but 1999 takes a different path and lets action, violence and special effects take centre stage, giving little concern to things like 'plot development' or 'character development' - but hey who needs that kind of crap anyway? Indeed the last half hour of the film is a spectacular melange of motorbikes, bullets, blood and shit blowing up. It's almost like BRONX WARRIORS meets THE TERMINATOR as the delinquent thugs race around the school trying to destroy the weaponized 'teachers'.
But there's plenty more to enjoy aside from the violence and effects work like the suitably thumping soundtrack including an early tune from Nine Inch Nails (who were credited as The Nine Inch Nails). And of course I can't forget to mention the barrage of amazing/terrible one-liners. Telling the History teacher-bot "You're history!" before blowing his cranial circuitry all over the wall? Priceless. Plus how many movies give you the opportunity to get a glimpse of Pam Grier's robo-nipples? Stacy Keach does a great job hamming it up as a mad scientist type too. It's hard to believe that McDowell, Grier and Keach all ended up in this low budget schlockfest but I'm glad they did. In fact I'm going to go out on a limb and say (and I'm probably in the minority here) that CLASS OF 1999 is infinitely more enjoyable than its predecessor. It may not be as 'good' a movie but it is much more entertaining. Well worth a look.
That's right the creepy old man and his balls are back. The fifth film in the PHANTASM franchise (officially titled PHANTASM: RAVAGER) is real and is coming in the (hopefully) not too distant future. Word is that the shooting on the film is already finished and according to Phantasm Archives it actually began filming as early as 2008. Unfortunately apart from the neat poster and a few other tidbits there isn't a lot of info available as of yet. Word on the street is that RAVAGER's writer and director is David Hartman (with Don Coscarelli supervising) and a lot of the series' familiar elements and cast have returned for the latest instalment. Still no news on a plot outline or a release date but be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more news soon. In the meantime check out the poster below.
Hell hath no fury like a female cop with "extreme PMS", or at least that's what this upcoming movie would have you believe. Does it sound offensive? Tasteless? Of course it does (the best movies usually are), but if the trailer is anything to go by (and usually that's the whole idea of a trailer) it also looks like it could be fucking brilliant. I've been seeing some pretty gnarly and interesting movie titles lately (WOLF COP and FIST OF JESUS are just a couple) but PMS COP might just take the cake. I can't fucking wait.
Charles Band's Wizard Studios will be releasing PMS COP very soon via Full Moon Streaming so keep an eye out, and in the meantime check out the trailer and promo art below.
Synopsis: “Caught on camera brutally beating a clown rapist, police officer Mary Collins is informed by her commanding officer that she needs counseling. Her therapist quickly concludes that she suffers from “extreme PMS” and enrolls her in a drug trial for the new menstrual wonder drug. Mary responds positively until a devastating incident throws her into a monstrous drug-induced killing frenzy. Soon everyone who comes into contact with the PMS cop realizes it IS her time of the month”
It's an undisputed fact that the 80s were the golden era for slasher films. FRIDAY THE 13TH, THE BURNING, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, PROM NIGHT and a whole slew of other classics were released during that amazing decade. In fact so many slashers were produced in the 80s that there are probably more than a few you've probably never even heard about or never had the opportunity to watch. And that's a real shame because a lot of the lesser know movies are some of the best. Summer camps, schools, hospitals and forests were some of the favored locations but did you know that there were not one but two slashers which were centered around a health spa? That's right. The only question now; are they any good? Let's dive into this melange of blood, spandex and sweat and find out.
AEROBICIDE (1987)
Directed by: David A. Prior
Written by: David A. Prior
Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, Teresa Van der Woude
"THE WORKOUT WILL KILL YOU!"
AEROBICIDE (its original title is KILLER WORKOUT but the alternate is so much more amazing) is the first of the fitness slashers and it also happens to be (probably) the most 80s movie you could ever imagine. Everything is saturated with throbbing synth-pop, neon spandex, leg warmers and big hair. It's an amazing sight to behold. It's also easily the weaker of the pair in a lot of ways but we'll get to that in a minute, for now it's time to talk about what this slab of 80s trash is all about.
The movie begins the best way a movie can begin; with a death. A mystery woman (we don't see her face) gets some exciting news via a phone message, something about getting a modeling job. To celebrate she goes to a tanning salon (as you do) and decides to bake herself a little. But shit turns bad when the tanning bed bakes her for real, flames and smoke billowing out while she screams in agony. Then we jump cut to Rhonda's Gym, a meeting place for beautiful, tight, sweaty bodies. Before long a dead body turns up and hardboiled detective Morgan (Campbell) rushes in to get to the bottom of things. Among his suspects are the gym's owner Rhonda (Karr), sleazy trainer Jimmy (Matthews) and muscelbound undercover private eye Chuck (Prior).
What follows is a seemingly endless stream of workout montages; tight asses and tits clad in spandex, thrusting towards the camera and big, shiny muscles pumping iron. Shorts, bright leotards, leg warmers and headbands, all accompanied by big 80s synth tunes. And every now and then somebody gets killed by an unknown person armed with an oversized safety-pin. It' up to Detective Morgan and P.I. Chuck to stop the killer before all of the gym's clients end having an unintended 'killer workout'. But as they both bumble about doing not much of anything (except for Chuck who manages to punch the shit out of not one but two gym employees, and then later use a rake as a weapon), the bodies pile up.
Pretty much everything in AEROBICIDE can be summed up with the word 'insane', from the bizarre dialogue ("Tell that college boy that if he doesn't have that report ready in 30 minutes, I'm going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face! You got that?") to the crazy editing, the completely random dream sequence and the just plain weird red herrings thrown around everywhere. As a horror movie AEROBICIDE fails, but as a perverted reel of shamelessly shot tits and ass (it most certainly fills its sexy quota) it excels amazingly. You won't strain your brain guessing who the killer is but you'll have a hell of fun time along the way.
DEATH SPA (1989) Directed by: Michael Fischa Written by: James Bartruff, Mitch Paradise Starring: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick, Robert Lipton, Alexa Hamilton, Tane McClure, Ken Foree
"STRANGE THINGS ARE A BREWING AT THE LOCAL GYM..."
Much like the previous film DEATH SPA has plenty of oiled bods, tight buns and a thick 80s atmosphere, but where AEROBICIDE fails this movie succeeds. It also has Ken Foree (DAWN OF THE DEAD), how rad is that? DEATH SPA goes for a bit of a different angle with a supernatural element and it also has a deeper plot and much more gore than its fellow fitness slasher. And just take a look at this totally gnarly box art. That's fucking cool.
To open the film the camera slowly swoops in towards the front of the Star Body Health Spa. A storm rages in the background, thunder and lightning crashing and flashing. A bolt of electricity strikes the building and blows out some of the neon tubes on the sign. The sign now reads STAR BODY HEALTH SPA. The camera continues in through the doorway and we are shown the inside of the spa just as it's getting ready to shut for the night. It's a really stylish and promising beginning, and the good news is that from here on things just get better.
The health spa is owned by widower Michael (Bumiller), whose wheelchair-bound wife committed suicide (after miscarrying) a year earlier by soaking her self in gasoline and lighting herself on fire. Nice.
Business is booming at the spa (in part probably due to the way the female clients ask hunky Michael to 'take care' of their memberships) and things are looking good for Mike. But things start to go downhill when Mike's new girlfriend Laura (Bakke) gets chlorine burns from a shower-gone-wrong. More accidents begin to occur and a pair of detectives are brought in to find out just how 'accidental' these deaths and injuries are.
To make things worse Michael's brother in law David (Butrick) is in charge of the spa's computer system (which controls everything) and he still holds a grudge against Michael for his sister's death. With sabotage, revenge and a supernatural twist as possible explanations Michael needs to solve the mystery before it's too late.
The deaths come thick and fast in DEATH SPA and range from brutal to downright hilarious. One woman has a deadly encounter with a blender, a paranormal investigator has his gun explode (and his hand along with it) and a cop finds himself locked in a freezer with a killer frozen fish. It's pretty rad stuff. There's plenty that doesn't make sense and some unnecessary padding but all in all it's a pretty entertaining journey which culminates in a pretty satisfying finale.
