PMS COP (2014) Review

Directed by: Bryon Blakey
Written by: Bryon Blakey
Starring: Heather Hall, Cindy Means, Elaine Jenkins, David J. Lee, Megan Dehart, Kristin Mothersbaugh

"IT'S HER TIME OF THE MONTH!"

Full Moon Streaming are currently offering a free 1 week trial if you're interested. That's right, one full week of as many movies as you can watch. For free. And there's plenty to choose from, from the expected Full Moon collection (as much PUPPET MASTER, KILLJOY and TRANCERS as you could ever hope for) to a whole slew of grindhouse and exploitation classics (ALIEN CONTAMINATION, INSEMINOID, VIOLENT CITY and THE LAST MAN ON EARTH among others) and even some newer flicks from Wizard Studios, including this gem which instantly caught my eye. I have to admit I don't usually go out of my way to check many movies this side of the new millennium but with the title, artwork and trailer I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch PMS COP. Plus it was free so even if it did end up sucking I wouldn't be losing anything apart from a bit of my not-so-precious time.

The good news is that it didn't suck. Quite the opposite in fact.
PMS COP is about Mary (Hall), a cop with a bit of an anger issue who has been on the night shift with her partner James for a few years. After responding to a call of a home intrusion Mary and James chase after a clown who has broken into a woman's house and raped her. After the clown knocks down James and attacks Mary, she decides that this rapist scum needs a good beating. Unfortunately the ass-kicking is caught on camera and Mary's superiors are none too happy. Mary goes to therapy for her anger problems and her therapist refers her to an experimental program which will apparently 'cure' her PMS which is causing her aggression. Unfortunately the experiment involves medication in conjunction with an implanted chip which was in a\its former life a failed military experiment. And we all know how experimental military technology turns out in these type of movies...

Long story short the experiment goes wrong (bet you didn't see that coming!) and Mary's aggression increases. Now PMS COP is on the loose and when her medical handlers try to reign her in she decides that she doesn't want to cooperate. Add in some super-strength mutation and you have an hour and a half of brutal (but strangely sexy) revenge fuelled mayhem. Officer Mary is on the beat, and watch out bad guys because it IS her time of the month.

There's nothing really new here, in case you were wondering. Science-gone-wrong, military technology, profit-hungry, unethical corporation, it's all pretty heavily explored territory. But you know what? That doesn't matter one fucking bit because it's never been done quite like this before. And for a purported budget of around $30,000 (according to IMDb) the filmmakers have done a pretty impressive job of stretching that out. The effects and gore are nicely done, it has a nice soundtrack, the pacing of the film is pretty even. The acting is a bit hit or miss but for a low budget indie effort it's actually above what I normally expect, and the titular character herself is impressively played by both Heather Hall (as pre-experiment Mary) and Cindy Means (as the PMS COP). But most of all it's entertaining and elicits the kind of feeling that I used to get from old exploitation flicks from back in the day. If I have one real criticism it's that I would have liked to have seen the mayhem spread city-wide rather than mostly in one building, but that's hardly a complaint at all. Highly recommended if you're looking for a fun modern take on classic exploitation.

COFFY (1973) Review

Directed by: Jack Hill
Written by: Jack Hill
Starring: Pam Grier, Booker Bradshaw, Sid Haig, Robert DoQui, William Elliott, Allan Arbus

"THE BADDEST ONE-CHICK HIT-SQUAD THAT EVER HIT TOWN"

Prepare yourself for one of the greatest examples of blaxploitation cinema ever. This is the movie that kickstarted Pam Grier's career and won over the hearts (and other certain body parts...) of men everywhere, with her combination of sex appeal and take-no-prisoners attitude. And with good reason; COFFY is an incredible and unforgettable piece of exploitation filmmaking with enough sex, violence, nudity and action to please just about anybody. Reminiscent of vigilante movies like DEATHWISH (but actually preceding it) COFFY has Pam Grier hunting down and exacting revenge on the drug-pushing scum of the city after her sister became hooked on The Big H.

A film's opening scene is usually a good indicator of how enjoyable is going to be, and COFFY has a pretty awesome opener.
Acting the part of a strung out junkie, Coffy (Grier) leads a big-time pusher and a not-so-big-time pusher back to an apartment where - as long as they can hook her up with some smack - she promises to do anything they want. But before Mr Big has time to get his rocks off Coffy pulls a sawn-off shotgun from her macramé purse and blows his no good fucking head off. It's pretty amazing, not quite MANIAC (or even that girl getting her brains blown out in THE BEYOND) amazing, but still pretty amazing. Then she ODs the other dealer before going on her merry way. What a badass.

After her friend and ex-lover - a nice guy cop named Carter (Elliott) - suffers brain damage at the hands of some home invaders (organized by his corrupt cop brethren), Coffy goes ballistic and takes out all manner of scum from the lowliest pusher to mobsters and even a corrupt politician. In order to do this she passes herself off as a Jamaican hooker named Mystique so that she can get up close and personal with her victims before blowing them away. Apart from her mastery of seduction Coffy's biggest asset is her ability to manipulate any situation in her favor, no matter how dire things seem. Getting caught red-handed trying to assassinate mob boss Vitroni (Arbus) is no problem as she smoothly twists the situation around and lays all the blame on pimp daddy King George (DoQui).

There are so many great scenes in this film and the opening shotgun blast to the face is just the beginning. Watch as Coffy gets into a catfight with a roomful of hookers, a fight which ends up tearing a lot of clothing and exposing a lot of boob, and gets bloody thanks to a couple of cleverly concealed razorblades. Watch as Sid Haig's sadistic thug Omar takes King George for a ride around the block, trailing from the back of the car by a rope and leaving a bloodied and mangled corpse by the journey's end. And of course there's the scene where Coffy grills a lesbian junkie just as her 'old man' Harriet walks in the door.

And then there are the characters themselves. There's Coffy of course, but then there's the corrupt congressman Brunswick (Bradshaw), the fabulously dressed pimp King George, violent thug Omar (played with relish by Sid Haig) and a host of other colorful characters. Another notable inclusion is Allan Arbus who plays mobster Arturo Vitroni. I had fond childhood memories of Arbus' portrayal of the kindly psychiatrist Sidney Freedman in about a dozen episodes of M*A*S*H, fond memories which were swiftly shattered as soon as he told Pam Grier to get on her knees, called her a nigger and then spat in her face. Good times.
I could go on about COFFY all day but I don't want to spoil too much. If you take anything away from this review I hope it's the notion that COFFY is fucking rad and you should go watch it now. Because it is and you should.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA (1973) Review

Directed by: Eddie Romero
Written by: H.R. Christian, Joe Viola, Jonathan Demme
Starring: Pam Grier, Margaret Markov, Sid Haig, Lynn Borden, Zaldy Zshornack, Eddie Garcia, Vic Diaz

"CHICKS IN CHAINS... ON THE LAM FROM A PRISON HELL - MANACLED TOGETHER BY HATE AND THE IDEAS A WOMAN GETS AFTER 1000 NIGHTS WITHOUT A MAN"

This week at Kvlt Kino it's International Pam Grier Week, and we will be celebrating the queen of blaxploitation all week long. No, it's not an official thing but I figure that if we can have ridiculous events like International Talk Like A Pirate Day or National Gazpacho Day (yes that's a real thing) then surely somebody as iconic and badass as Pam Grier deserves a made-up holiday too. Plus I'm totally in the mood to watch a metric fuck-tonne of movies this week and there's no reason that they shouldn't all star the foxy chocolate queen. So without further ado let's kick off International Pam Grier Week with Eddie Romero's Women in Prison classic BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA you may be surprised to know, is about a black woman and a white woman. Amazing I know. There are other women in the film of course but they really aren't that important - well except for the lengthy shower scene, in that case they are all important.
Our two leading ladies are Karen (Markov) and Lee (Grier) - I'll let you figure out which is Black Mama and which is White Mama. Karen is a revolutionary and Lee is a prostitute and they have both landed in a women's prison somewhere on a jungle-festooned island which is never named but is clearly the Philippines. The prison is run by lesbian Matron Densmore (Borden), a woman who likes to bed the more attractive prisoners and even has her own little hidey-hole where she can peek into the showers while she masturbates. The accompanying shower scene (essential for any WIP movie) runs for a decent 5 minutes and there are wet boobs all over the place. It's pretty awesome.

Lee rejects Densmore's advances but Karen is more than happy to enjoy the extra privileges that come with being the Matron's plaything and her black counterpart isn't impressed when she realizes the rest of the girls have to pick up the slack. Lee and Karen argue and fight, ending up with them spending a day in 'the oven'; a steel box situated out under the blistering sun. After being pulled out of the oven half naked and slick with sweat the two are told that they are being transferred so that they can be interrogated because they both have useful information that the police are after. During transport Karen's rebel friends attack and the two women escape, which is good. What's not so good however is the fact that they are handcuffed together. Lee and Karen both have different goals and can't agree on where to go or what to do. Karen wants to meet up with her revolutionary boyfriend Ernesto (Zshornack) but as Lee puts it "Some jive-ass revolution don't mean shit to me!" She'd much rather escape the island with the 40k she stole from drug lord Vic (Diaz).

By now Karen and Lee are running not only from the cops but also a group of bounty-hunters lead by flamboyant womanising cowboy type Ruben (played brilliantly by Sid Haig) and drug baron Vic's gang. The rebels are also on their trail as they try to catch up to Karen so they can complete a deal for some weapons.
The two women traverse the island dodging roadblocks, stealing food, beating up nuns and stealing their clothes and other fun stuff like that, all the while with bloodthirsty gangsters and bounty hunters hot on their trail. The pacing the great with plenty of action and barely a dull moment and director Romero certainly knows how to please an exploitation-hungry audience. It seems that if there isn't gunshots or explosions happening somewhere on screen then there's naked ladies traipsing around, having threesomes with Sid Haig or licking crime lord Vic's greasy, hairy body. And the finale is appropriately climactic with the separate factions finally colliding and having a final gun battle. BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA isn't Grier's best movie by a long shot but it is one hell of an entertaining piece of exploitation gold.

Double Feature: Blood, Sweat & Fears

It's an undisputed fact that the 80s were the golden era for slasher films. FRIDAY THE 13TH, THE BURNING, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, PROM NIGHT and a whole slew of other classics were released during that amazing decade. In fact so many slashers were produced in the 80s that there are probably more than a few you've probably never even heard about or never had the opportunity to watch. And that's a real shame because a lot of the lesser know movies are some of the best. Summer camps, schools, hospitals and forests were some of the favored locations but did you know that there were not one but two slashers which were centered around a health spa? That's right. The only question now; are they any good? Let's dive into this melange of blood, spandex and sweat and find out.

AEROBICIDE (1987)

Directed by: David A. Prior

Written by: David A. Prior

Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, Teresa Van der Woude

"THE WORKOUT WILL KILL YOU!"

AEROBICIDE (its original title is KILLER WORKOUT but the alternate is so much more amazing) is the first of the fitness slashers and it also happens to be (probably) the most 80s movie you could ever imagine. Everything is saturated with throbbing synth-pop, neon spandex, leg warmers and big hair. It's an amazing sight to behold. It's also easily the weaker of the pair in a lot of ways but we'll get to that in a minute, for now it's time to talk about what this slab of 80s trash is all about.

The movie begins the best way a movie can begin; with a death. A mystery woman (we don't see her face) gets some exciting news via a phone message, something about getting a modeling job. To celebrate she goes to a tanning salon (as you do) and decides to bake herself a little. But shit turns bad when the tanning bed bakes her for real, flames and smoke billowing out while she screams in agony. Then we jump cut to Rhonda's Gym, a meeting place for beautiful, tight, sweaty bodies. Before long a dead body turns up and hardboiled detective Morgan (Campbell) rushes in to get to the bottom of things. Among his suspects are the gym's owner Rhonda (Karr), sleazy trainer Jimmy (Matthews) and muscelbound undercover private eye Chuck (Prior).

What follows is a seemingly endless stream of workout montages; tight asses and tits clad in spandex, thrusting towards the camera and big, shiny muscles pumping iron. Shorts, bright leotards, leg warmers and headbands, all accompanied by big 80s synth tunes. And every now and then somebody gets killed by an unknown person armed with an oversized safety-pin. It' up to Detective Morgan and P.I. Chuck to stop the killer before all of the gym's clients end having an unintended 'killer workout'. But as they both bumble about doing not much of anything (except for Chuck who manages to punch the shit out of not one but two gym employees, and then later use a rake as a weapon), the bodies pile up.

Pretty much everything in AEROBICIDE can be summed up with the word 'insane', from the bizarre dialogue ("Tell that college boy that if he doesn't have that report ready in 30 minutes, I'm going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face! You got that?") to the crazy editing, the completely random dream sequence and the just plain weird red herrings thrown around everywhere. As a horror movie AEROBICIDE fails, but as a perverted reel of shamelessly shot tits and ass (it most certainly fills its sexy quota) it excels amazingly. You won't strain your brain guessing who the killer is but you'll have a hell of fun time along the way.

DEATH SPA (1989)

Directed by: Michael Fischa
Written by: James Bartruff, Mitch Paradise
Starring: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick, Robert Lipton, Alexa Hamilton, Tane McClure, Ken Foree

"STRANGE THINGS ARE A BREWING AT THE LOCAL GYM..."

Much like the previous film DEATH SPA has plenty of oiled bods, tight buns and a thick 80s atmosphere, but where AEROBICIDE fails this movie succeeds. It also has Ken Foree (DAWN OF THE DEAD), how rad is that? DEATH SPA goes for a bit of a different angle with a supernatural element and it also has a deeper plot and much more gore than its fellow fitness slasher. And just take a look at this totally gnarly box art. That's fucking cool.

To open the film the camera slowly swoops in towards the front of the Star Body Health Spa. A storm rages in the background, thunder and lightning crashing and flashing. A bolt of electricity strikes the building and blows out some of the neon tubes on the sign. The sign now reads STAR BODY HEALTH SPA. The camera continues in through the doorway and we are shown the inside of the spa just as it's getting ready to shut for the night. It's a really stylish and promising beginning, and the good news is that from here on things just get better.

The health spa is owned by widower Michael (Bumiller), whose wheelchair-bound wife committed suicide (after miscarrying) a year earlier by soaking her self in gasoline and lighting herself on fire. Nice.
Business is booming at the spa (in part probably due to the way the female clients ask hunky Michael to 'take care' of their memberships) and things are looking good for Mike. But things start to go downhill when Mike's new girlfriend Laura (Bakke) gets chlorine burns from a shower-gone-wrong. More accidents begin to occur and a pair of detectives are brought in to find out just how 'accidental' these deaths and injuries are.
To make things worse Michael's brother in law David (Butrick) is in charge of the spa's computer system (which controls everything) and he still holds a grudge against Michael for his sister's death. With sabotage, revenge and a supernatural twist as possible explanations Michael needs to solve the mystery before it's too late.

The deaths come thick and fast in DEATH SPA and range from brutal to downright hilarious. One woman has a deadly encounter with a blender, a paranormal investigator has his gun explode (and his hand along with it) and a cop finds himself locked in a freezer with a killer frozen fish. It's pretty rad stuff. There's plenty that doesn't make sense and some unnecessary padding but all in all it's a pretty entertaining journey which culminates in a pretty satisfying finale.

BESTIALITA' (1976) Review

Directed by: George Eastman, Peter Skerl
Written by: George Eastman, Peter Skerl
Starring: Philippe March, Juliette Mayniel, Leonora Fani, Enrico Maria Salerno, Franca Stoppi

BESTIALITA' (aka DOG LAY AFTERNOON) is a thick slice of sleazy Italian erotica which was co-written and co-directed by Euro-cult legend George Eastman; remembered by most as the beast from ANTHROPOPHAGUS. No stranger to perversion and filth (he had a history of working with Joe D'Amato and appearing in such films as EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD and HARD SENSATION) he managed to crank things up a notch in this film by adding some forbidden love in the form of some interspecies sex between a woman and her faithful Doberman. Does this mean that dog is actually woman's best friend?

In one of the most memorable opening sequences in the history of cinema we watch as a young girl plays outside on her bike. She is lured towards the window of her home by a woman's moans. Through the window the girls sees her mother lying naked on her back on the floor, the lovable family pet on top of her, thrusting away (the film makers somehow missing the perfect opportunity to include the much more appropriate doggystyle position). Suddenly Husband walks through the door, and he's not at all happy about Wife and Dog doing the horizontal mambo on the living room floor. He pulls up his naked wife, gives her a smack and shoves her out the door before tying up Fido and then burning the house down with the animal inside. A little harsh on the dog if you ask me, I'm sure the whole sex thing wasn't his idea. But then again you never know, maybe the dog used his canine charm to seduce the woman, plying her with alcohol and then having his way with her. But we'll never truly know because the dog is fucking dead now.
But I digress.

It's at around this point that I imagine most people turn the film off, eject the disc and throw it down a well. And then blow up the well and bulldoze the rubble into the ocean. After all bestiality isn't something most people really like to think about or talk about, kind of like the Holocaust, or Limp Bizkit.
But (simulated) bestiality aside the rest of the film settles into a much more palatable kind of erotica; the kind where humans have sex with humans and dance naked at crazy swingers parties. Some years after the young girl sees her mother ding the dirty with Rex she has apparently run away from home and lives on a small island with her very own Doberman.
Paul (March) is an architect visiting said island in order to design some kind of tourism development. His wife Yvette (Mayniel) has tagged along even though it's obvious that she would really rather be somewhere else. The couple see the girl (whose name is Jeanine - played by Leonora Fani) around the island with her dog but each time she disappears with a ghost-like suddenness.

Paul and Yvette finally meet up with Jeanine after she steals Paul's camera and they form a kind of family relationship. The couple have been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a child and Jeanine has in a way filled the void and somewhat repaired their marriage. But this relationship takes a quasi-incestuous turn, culminating in a threesome involving the pair and their surrogate daughter. The movie also takes an unexpected turn ending with a bloody climax (pun intended) and an ironic twist after finding out from a private investigator that Jeanine is ill.

From what I can gather BESTIALITA' only ever received a release in Italy and as a consequence the only official way to get a hold of it is by trying to find the Italian dvd - which has no subtitles. I've noticed that other reviewers have mentioned that they could follow the story well enough without understanding any of the dialogue but in all honesty I have to say that they are actually missing out on quite a lot. Take for instance the scene where Paul and Yvette discuss which of the party attendants they would rather fuck, or the deliciously ironic and depressing ending. But don't fret because it is possible to watch the movie with English subs, if you rip the dvd (or find a torrent) you can download the subtitles here. Without the subs BESTIALITA' is a decent (if rather slow) sleaze flick, but with them it is actually quite interesting. But that all depends on whether or not you can get past the whole dog-fucking thing.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS (1980) Review

Directed by: Joe D'Amato
Written by: George Eastman, Joe D'Amato
Starring: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi, Margaret Mazzantini, George Eastman, Zora Kerova

"IT'S NOT THE FEAR THAT TEARS YOU APART... IT'S HIM!"

It wouldn't truly be George Eastman Week without looking at his role in the controversial and much-hyped ANTHROPOPHAGUS (although to be honest it still wouldn't truly be George Eastman Week because that's something I just made up...). Known by an impressive array of titles including THE BEAST, THE GRIM REAPER and MAN EATER (even somehow managing to be branded as ZOMBI 7 despite containing exactly zero zombies and being connected to the previous films in no discernible way - but hey I suppose that's par for the course in Italian exploitation cinema) Joe D'Amato's trashy, sleazy slasher is only truly remembered due to its inclusion in the infamous 'Video Nasties' list. Along with CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST it's commonly referred to as one of the more nasty films on the list and much like that cannibal classic the director of this film was also taken to court in order to defend one of the movie's more gruesome scenes involving a supposed human fetus. Because people were fucking idiots back in the 80s apparently.

In a not so subtle JAWS reference the movie begins with a couple enjoying a stroll along a beach. The girl strips down to her bikini and goes for a swim while the dude lies back and listens to some atrocious electro music on his oversized 80s headphones. An underwater shot lets us know that there is something below the water (something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever when you think about it) and within seconds the girl starts screaming as something grabs her from below. Distracted by his terrible music the boyfriend is oblivious and soon finds a meat cleaver buried in his skull.
Bikini babes, underwater predators and cleavers in heads is a great way to start off any film, and with its notorious reputation you can only imagine that things just get better from here on out. After all this is a movie which the BBC falsely reported as a snuff film, so it must be pretty fucking extreme, right?

The short answer is no. In fact ANTHROPOPHAGUS may be one of the most overblown and overhyped movies of all time. But you know what? I'm not even going to bother detailing the dubious effects or disturbing subject matter, I'm sure plenty of other reviewers have lauded this movie as the pinnacle of depravity (or conversely an overhyped horror turkey) and gone on to describe the infamous fetus-eating scene in great detail. In fact as strange as it may sound the gore is one of the less impressive aspects of the movie and the most interesting (for me at least) was the spectacle of watching George Eastman hulking around the island, his hair wild and receding, his face a valley of pock marks and scars, clutching and swinging a meat cleaver. This kind of role doesn't exactly call for award winning acting (or any real acting at all to be honest) but Eastman is a perfect fit as the insane, menacing cannibal.

The sometimes all too strong allure of forbidden fruit is what has made this movie so popular, it was after all one of the nastiest 'Nasties' and I suppose people are curious to see exactly what got Mary Whitehouse's knickers all twisted up. ANTHROPOPHAGUS also has some decent cult cred what with sleaze merchant Joe D'Amato at the helm, Eastman playing the killer, Tisa Farrow (of ZOMBI 2 fame) and also Zora Kerova (CANNIBAL FEROX) both playing parts as well. It's a hard movie to recommend due to the pretty atrocious acting, pacing, effects, characters and well... everything really. But at the same time this is a film that everybody needs to see at least once. It's a milestone in Italian exploitation and actually has some great location shots and its easily worth watching just to see George Eastman's beastly killer biting into whatever the fuck he wants to. Come for the fetus eating, stay for the lovely island backdrop.