PMS COP (2014) Review

Directed by: Bryon Blakey
Written by: Bryon Blakey
Starring: Heather Hall, Cindy Means, Elaine Jenkins, David J. Lee, Megan Dehart, Kristin Mothersbaugh

"IT'S HER TIME OF THE MONTH!"

Full Moon Streaming are currently offering a free 1 week trial if you're interested. That's right, one full week of as many movies as you can watch. For free. And there's plenty to choose from, from the expected Full Moon collection (as much PUPPET MASTER, KILLJOY and TRANCERS as you could ever hope for) to a whole slew of grindhouse and exploitation classics (ALIEN CONTAMINATION, INSEMINOID, VIOLENT CITY and THE LAST MAN ON EARTH among others) and even some newer flicks from Wizard Studios, including this gem which instantly caught my eye. I have to admit I don't usually go out of my way to check many movies this side of the new millennium but with the title, artwork and trailer I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch PMS COP. Plus it was free so even if it did end up sucking I wouldn't be losing anything apart from a bit of my not-so-precious time.

The good news is that it didn't suck. Quite the opposite in fact.
PMS COP is about Mary (Hall), a cop with a bit of an anger issue who has been on the night shift with her partner James for a few years. After responding to a call of a home intrusion Mary and James chase after a clown who has broken into a woman's house and raped her. After the clown knocks down James and attacks Mary, she decides that this rapist scum needs a good beating. Unfortunately the ass-kicking is caught on camera and Mary's superiors are none too happy. Mary goes to therapy for her anger problems and her therapist refers her to an experimental program which will apparently 'cure' her PMS which is causing her aggression. Unfortunately the experiment involves medication in conjunction with an implanted chip which was in a\its former life a failed military experiment. And we all know how experimental military technology turns out in these type of movies...

Long story short the experiment goes wrong (bet you didn't see that coming!) and Mary's aggression increases. Now PMS COP is on the loose and when her medical handlers try to reign her in she decides that she doesn't want to cooperate. Add in some super-strength mutation and you have an hour and a half of brutal (but strangely sexy) revenge fuelled mayhem. Officer Mary is on the beat, and watch out bad guys because it IS her time of the month.

There's nothing really new here, in case you were wondering. Science-gone-wrong, military technology, profit-hungry, unethical corporation, it's all pretty heavily explored territory. But you know what? That doesn't matter one fucking bit because it's never been done quite like this before. And for a purported budget of around $30,000 (according to IMDb) the filmmakers have done a pretty impressive job of stretching that out. The effects and gore are nicely done, it has a nice soundtrack, the pacing of the film is pretty even. The acting is a bit hit or miss but for a low budget indie effort it's actually above what I normally expect, and the titular character herself is impressively played by both Heather Hall (as pre-experiment Mary) and Cindy Means (as the PMS COP). But most of all it's entertaining and elicits the kind of feeling that I used to get from old exploitation flicks from back in the day. If I have one real criticism it's that I would have liked to have seen the mayhem spread city-wide rather than mostly in one building, but that's hardly a complaint at all. Highly recommended if you're looking for a fun modern take on classic exploitation.

COFFY (1973) Review

Directed by: Jack Hill
Written by: Jack Hill
Starring: Pam Grier, Booker Bradshaw, Sid Haig, Robert DoQui, William Elliott, Allan Arbus

"THE BADDEST ONE-CHICK HIT-SQUAD THAT EVER HIT TOWN"

Prepare yourself for one of the greatest examples of blaxploitation cinema ever. This is the movie that kickstarted Pam Grier's career and won over the hearts (and other certain body parts...) of men everywhere, with her combination of sex appeal and take-no-prisoners attitude. And with good reason; COFFY is an incredible and unforgettable piece of exploitation filmmaking with enough sex, violence, nudity and action to please just about anybody. Reminiscent of vigilante movies like DEATHWISH (but actually preceding it) COFFY has Pam Grier hunting down and exacting revenge on the drug-pushing scum of the city after her sister became hooked on The Big H.

A film's opening scene is usually a good indicator of how enjoyable is going to be, and COFFY has a pretty awesome opener.
Acting the part of a strung out junkie, Coffy (Grier) leads a big-time pusher and a not-so-big-time pusher back to an apartment where - as long as they can hook her up with some smack - she promises to do anything they want. But before Mr Big has time to get his rocks off Coffy pulls a sawn-off shotgun from her macramé purse and blows his no good fucking head off. It's pretty amazing, not quite MANIAC (or even that girl getting her brains blown out in THE BEYOND) amazing, but still pretty amazing. Then she ODs the other dealer before going on her merry way. What a badass.

After her friend and ex-lover - a nice guy cop named Carter (Elliott) - suffers brain damage at the hands of some home invaders (organized by his corrupt cop brethren), Coffy goes ballistic and takes out all manner of scum from the lowliest pusher to mobsters and even a corrupt politician. In order to do this she passes herself off as a Jamaican hooker named Mystique so that she can get up close and personal with her victims before blowing them away. Apart from her mastery of seduction Coffy's biggest asset is her ability to manipulate any situation in her favor, no matter how dire things seem. Getting caught red-handed trying to assassinate mob boss Vitroni (Arbus) is no problem as she smoothly twists the situation around and lays all the blame on pimp daddy King George (DoQui).

There are so many great scenes in this film and the opening shotgun blast to the face is just the beginning. Watch as Coffy gets into a catfight with a roomful of hookers, a fight which ends up tearing a lot of clothing and exposing a lot of boob, and gets bloody thanks to a couple of cleverly concealed razorblades. Watch as Sid Haig's sadistic thug Omar takes King George for a ride around the block, trailing from the back of the car by a rope and leaving a bloodied and mangled corpse by the journey's end. And of course there's the scene where Coffy grills a lesbian junkie just as her 'old man' Harriet walks in the door.

And then there are the characters themselves. There's Coffy of course, but then there's the corrupt congressman Brunswick (Bradshaw), the fabulously dressed pimp King George, violent thug Omar (played with relish by Sid Haig) and a host of other colorful characters. Another notable inclusion is Allan Arbus who plays mobster Arturo Vitroni. I had fond childhood memories of Arbus' portrayal of the kindly psychiatrist Sidney Freedman in about a dozen episodes of M*A*S*H, fond memories which were swiftly shattered as soon as he told Pam Grier to get on her knees, called her a nigger and then spat in her face. Good times.
I could go on about COFFY all day but I don't want to spoil too much. If you take anything away from this review I hope it's the notion that COFFY is fucking rad and you should go watch it now. Because it is and you should.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA (1973) Review

Directed by: Eddie Romero
Written by: H.R. Christian, Joe Viola, Jonathan Demme
Starring: Pam Grier, Margaret Markov, Sid Haig, Lynn Borden, Zaldy Zshornack, Eddie Garcia, Vic Diaz

"CHICKS IN CHAINS... ON THE LAM FROM A PRISON HELL - MANACLED TOGETHER BY HATE AND THE IDEAS A WOMAN GETS AFTER 1000 NIGHTS WITHOUT A MAN"

This week at Kvlt Kino it's International Pam Grier Week, and we will be celebrating the queen of blaxploitation all week long. No, it's not an official thing but I figure that if we can have ridiculous events like International Talk Like A Pirate Day or National Gazpacho Day (yes that's a real thing) then surely somebody as iconic and badass as Pam Grier deserves a made-up holiday too. Plus I'm totally in the mood to watch a metric fuck-tonne of movies this week and there's no reason that they shouldn't all star the foxy chocolate queen. So without further ado let's kick off International Pam Grier Week with Eddie Romero's Women in Prison classic BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA.

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA you may be surprised to know, is about a black woman and a white woman. Amazing I know. There are other women in the film of course but they really aren't that important - well except for the lengthy shower scene, in that case they are all important.
Our two leading ladies are Karen (Markov) and Lee (Grier) - I'll let you figure out which is Black Mama and which is White Mama. Karen is a revolutionary and Lee is a prostitute and they have both landed in a women's prison somewhere on a jungle-festooned island which is never named but is clearly the Philippines. The prison is run by lesbian Matron Densmore (Borden), a woman who likes to bed the more attractive prisoners and even has her own little hidey-hole where she can peek into the showers while she masturbates. The accompanying shower scene (essential for any WIP movie) runs for a decent 5 minutes and there are wet boobs all over the place. It's pretty awesome.

Lee rejects Densmore's advances but Karen is more than happy to enjoy the extra privileges that come with being the Matron's plaything and her black counterpart isn't impressed when she realizes the rest of the girls have to pick up the slack. Lee and Karen argue and fight, ending up with them spending a day in 'the oven'; a steel box situated out under the blistering sun. After being pulled out of the oven half naked and slick with sweat the two are told that they are being transferred so that they can be interrogated because they both have useful information that the police are after. During transport Karen's rebel friends attack and the two women escape, which is good. What's not so good however is the fact that they are handcuffed together. Lee and Karen both have different goals and can't agree on where to go or what to do. Karen wants to meet up with her revolutionary boyfriend Ernesto (Zshornack) but as Lee puts it "Some jive-ass revolution don't mean shit to me!" She'd much rather escape the island with the 40k she stole from drug lord Vic (Diaz).

By now Karen and Lee are running not only from the cops but also a group of bounty-hunters lead by flamboyant womanising cowboy type Ruben (played brilliantly by Sid Haig) and drug baron Vic's gang. The rebels are also on their trail as they try to catch up to Karen so they can complete a deal for some weapons.
The two women traverse the island dodging roadblocks, stealing food, beating up nuns and stealing their clothes and other fun stuff like that, all the while with bloodthirsty gangsters and bounty hunters hot on their trail. The pacing the great with plenty of action and barely a dull moment and director Romero certainly knows how to please an exploitation-hungry audience. It seems that if there isn't gunshots or explosions happening somewhere on screen then there's naked ladies traipsing around, having threesomes with Sid Haig or licking crime lord Vic's greasy, hairy body. And the finale is appropriately climactic with the separate factions finally colliding and having a final gun battle. BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA isn't Grier's best movie by a long shot but it is one hell of an entertaining piece of exploitation gold.

CLASS OF 1999 (1990) Review

Directed by: Mark L. Lester
Written by: Mark L. Lester, C.Courtney Joyner, John Skipp
Starring: Bradley Gregg, Traci Lind, Malcolm McDowell, Stacy Keach, Pam Grier, Patrick Kilpatrick, John P. Ryan

"HIRED TO TEACH. PROGRAMMED TO KILL!"

Welcome to the distant future of the year 1999. The good ol' U.S. of A (and specifically its education system) is falling apart and large areas of its major cities are under the control of vicious gangs. These so-called 'Free-Fire Zones' are so out of control that even the police are too afraid to enter, resulting in lawless battlegrounds and constant gang-driven turf wars. Kennedy High School just happens to be smack-bang in the middle of one of these Free-Fire Zones in an area of Seattle which is home to a pair of warring gangs; The Blackhearts and the Razorheads.

Principal Miles Langford (McDowell) is so sick of the unruly students and lawless state of his school that he agrees to take part in an experiment headed by Dr. Bob Forrest (Keach), a member of the Board of Government Educational Defence. The experiment involves bringing a trio of new teachers to the school, but not just any teachers. The new faculty members may look human but are in fact ex-military cyborgs, reprogrammed to both educate and discipline their students. At first they function as expected, getting just physical enough to keep the students in line, but soon the cyborgs begin to revert to their original military programming and their discipline turns brutal and fatal. Now it's up to recently paroled Blackheart Cody (Gregg) and principal's daughter Christie (Lind) to try and unite the two rival gangs and destroy their new teachers before they all find themselves in eternal detention.

Director Mark L. Lester's follow up to the cult classic CLASS OF 1984 is a pseudo-sequel (later followed by CLASS OF 1999 II) which takes quite a departure from the original and is probably all the better off for it. A direct sequel just wouldn't have worked but 1999 takes a different path and lets action, violence and special effects take centre stage, giving little concern to things like 'plot development' or 'character development' - but hey who needs that kind of crap anyway? Indeed the last half hour of the film is a spectacular melange of motorbikes, bullets, blood and shit blowing up. It's almost like BRONX WARRIORS meets THE TERMINATOR as the delinquent thugs race around the school trying to destroy the weaponized 'teachers'.

But there's plenty more to enjoy aside from the violence and effects work like the suitably thumping soundtrack including an early tune from Nine Inch Nails (who were credited as The Nine Inch Nails). And of course I can't forget to mention the barrage of amazing/terrible one-liners. Telling the History teacher-bot "You're history!" before blowing his cranial circuitry all over the wall? Priceless. Plus how many movies give you the opportunity to get a glimpse of Pam Grier's robo-nipples? Stacy Keach does a great job hamming it up as a mad scientist type too. It's hard to believe that McDowell, Grier and Keach all ended up in this low budget schlockfest but I'm glad they did. In fact I'm going to go out on a limb and say (and I'm probably in the minority here) that CLASS OF 1999 is infinitely more enjoyable than its predecessor. It may not be as 'good' a movie but it is much more entertaining. Well worth a look.

Double Feature: Blood, Sweat & Fears

It's an undisputed fact that the 80s were the golden era for slasher films. FRIDAY THE 13TH, THE BURNING, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, PROM NIGHT and a whole slew of other classics were released during that amazing decade. In fact so many slashers were produced in the 80s that there are probably more than a few you've probably never even heard about or never had the opportunity to watch. And that's a real shame because a lot of the lesser know movies are some of the best. Summer camps, schools, hospitals and forests were some of the favored locations but did you know that there were not one but two slashers which were centered around a health spa? That's right. The only question now; are they any good? Let's dive into this melange of blood, spandex and sweat and find out.

AEROBICIDE (1987)

Directed by: David A. Prior

Written by: David A. Prior

Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, Teresa Van der Woude

"THE WORKOUT WILL KILL YOU!"

AEROBICIDE (its original title is KILLER WORKOUT but the alternate is so much more amazing) is the first of the fitness slashers and it also happens to be (probably) the most 80s movie you could ever imagine. Everything is saturated with throbbing synth-pop, neon spandex, leg warmers and big hair. It's an amazing sight to behold. It's also easily the weaker of the pair in a lot of ways but we'll get to that in a minute, for now it's time to talk about what this slab of 80s trash is all about.

The movie begins the best way a movie can begin; with a death. A mystery woman (we don't see her face) gets some exciting news via a phone message, something about getting a modeling job. To celebrate she goes to a tanning salon (as you do) and decides to bake herself a little. But shit turns bad when the tanning bed bakes her for real, flames and smoke billowing out while she screams in agony. Then we jump cut to Rhonda's Gym, a meeting place for beautiful, tight, sweaty bodies. Before long a dead body turns up and hardboiled detective Morgan (Campbell) rushes in to get to the bottom of things. Among his suspects are the gym's owner Rhonda (Karr), sleazy trainer Jimmy (Matthews) and muscelbound undercover private eye Chuck (Prior).

What follows is a seemingly endless stream of workout montages; tight asses and tits clad in spandex, thrusting towards the camera and big, shiny muscles pumping iron. Shorts, bright leotards, leg warmers and headbands, all accompanied by big 80s synth tunes. And every now and then somebody gets killed by an unknown person armed with an oversized safety-pin. It' up to Detective Morgan and P.I. Chuck to stop the killer before all of the gym's clients end having an unintended 'killer workout'. But as they both bumble about doing not much of anything (except for Chuck who manages to punch the shit out of not one but two gym employees, and then later use a rake as a weapon), the bodies pile up.

Pretty much everything in AEROBICIDE can be summed up with the word 'insane', from the bizarre dialogue ("Tell that college boy that if he doesn't have that report ready in 30 minutes, I'm going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face! You got that?") to the crazy editing, the completely random dream sequence and the just plain weird red herrings thrown around everywhere. As a horror movie AEROBICIDE fails, but as a perverted reel of shamelessly shot tits and ass (it most certainly fills its sexy quota) it excels amazingly. You won't strain your brain guessing who the killer is but you'll have a hell of fun time along the way.

DEATH SPA (1989)

Directed by: Michael Fischa
Written by: James Bartruff, Mitch Paradise
Starring: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick, Robert Lipton, Alexa Hamilton, Tane McClure, Ken Foree

"STRANGE THINGS ARE A BREWING AT THE LOCAL GYM..."

Much like the previous film DEATH SPA has plenty of oiled bods, tight buns and a thick 80s atmosphere, but where AEROBICIDE fails this movie succeeds. It also has Ken Foree (DAWN OF THE DEAD), how rad is that? DEATH SPA goes for a bit of a different angle with a supernatural element and it also has a deeper plot and much more gore than its fellow fitness slasher. And just take a look at this totally gnarly box art. That's fucking cool.

To open the film the camera slowly swoops in towards the front of the Star Body Health Spa. A storm rages in the background, thunder and lightning crashing and flashing. A bolt of electricity strikes the building and blows out some of the neon tubes on the sign. The sign now reads STAR BODY HEALTH SPA. The camera continues in through the doorway and we are shown the inside of the spa just as it's getting ready to shut for the night. It's a really stylish and promising beginning, and the good news is that from here on things just get better.

The health spa is owned by widower Michael (Bumiller), whose wheelchair-bound wife committed suicide (after miscarrying) a year earlier by soaking her self in gasoline and lighting herself on fire. Nice.
Business is booming at the spa (in part probably due to the way the female clients ask hunky Michael to 'take care' of their memberships) and things are looking good for Mike. But things start to go downhill when Mike's new girlfriend Laura (Bakke) gets chlorine burns from a shower-gone-wrong. More accidents begin to occur and a pair of detectives are brought in to find out just how 'accidental' these deaths and injuries are.
To make things worse Michael's brother in law David (Butrick) is in charge of the spa's computer system (which controls everything) and he still holds a grudge against Michael for his sister's death. With sabotage, revenge and a supernatural twist as possible explanations Michael needs to solve the mystery before it's too late.

The deaths come thick and fast in DEATH SPA and range from brutal to downright hilarious. One woman has a deadly encounter with a blender, a paranormal investigator has his gun explode (and his hand along with it) and a cop finds himself locked in a freezer with a killer frozen fish. It's pretty rad stuff. There's plenty that doesn't make sense and some unnecessary padding but all in all it's a pretty entertaining journey which culminates in a pretty satisfying finale.

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) Review

Directed by: William Sachs
Written by: William Sachs
Starring: Alex Rebar, Burr DeBenning, Myron Healey, Ann Sweeny, Michael Alldredge

"THE FIRST NEW HORROR CREATURE!"

"You've never seen anything, 'til you've seen the Sun through the rings of Saturn!" - so says Astronaut Steve West (Rebar) right before being bombarded with radiation and crossing the gross, dripping threshold between being a human and being THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN! Critics seem to love shitting all over this movie (it's sitting at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes right now while its audience score is a much more appropriate 68%)
but you can't fault it for delivering exactly what it promises; a melting man. The 'plot' basically consists of a liquefying man in a blind rage, murdering people indiscriminately while wearing buckets of Rick Baker's excellent practical effects.

Essentially FIRST MAN INTO SPACE or THE QUATERMASS XPERIMENT brought forward a couple of decades, THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN takes a common '50s premise and updates it with some classic '70s effects. Astronaut Steve West is orbiting Saturn when some super space radiation comes out of nowhere and gives him a gnarly nosebleed. Back on Earth Steve is lying in a hospital bed, covered with bandages, and this is when he begins his slimy transformation into the titular melting man. He terrorizes a fat nurse, escaping the hospital in the process and then goes on an all out killing spree, becoming stronger and more violent as he melts. It's up to Dr Ted Nelson (DeBenning) and General Michael Perry (Healey) to stop him, but only if Dr Nelson can find some goddamn crackers to go with his goddamn soup!

 Apart from a radical drippy mutoid murdering people we're also treated to an array of some of the most interesting scenes I've seen lately. One of the best is when Dr Nelson tries to pull one of those "hey, look over there!" distractions on his wife, making a HUGE deal about not having crackers to go with his soup just because he wants to avoid talking about the melting man that's on the loose. Brilliant. Then there's the nurse who jumps through a window (in slow-motion) for no reason at all. And then of course there's 'The Adventures of Severed Head' in which we watch (for no reason) as a disembodied noggin floats down a river and then down a waterfall before smashing on sharp rocks at the bottom. How integral are these scenes to the movie? Not at all, but they're brilliant.

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN is most definitely not everybody's cup of tea. The melting man cares not for plot! The melting man cares not for character development! The melting man cares not for explaining things! In fact the melting man only really cares for murder, and the movie only really cares about the melting man. And there's nothing wrong with that. If gore, slime, boobs and slime is the kind of thing you look for in a movie then you're in luck because that's about all you'll get in this brilliantly '70s schlockfest.

BESTIALITA' (1976) Review

Directed by: George Eastman, Peter Skerl
Written by: George Eastman, Peter Skerl
Starring: Philippe March, Juliette Mayniel, Leonora Fani, Enrico Maria Salerno, Franca Stoppi

BESTIALITA' (aka DOG LAY AFTERNOON) is a thick slice of sleazy Italian erotica which was co-written and co-directed by Euro-cult legend George Eastman; remembered by most as the beast from ANTHROPOPHAGUS. No stranger to perversion and filth (he had a history of working with Joe D'Amato and appearing in such films as EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD and HARD SENSATION) he managed to crank things up a notch in this film by adding some forbidden love in the form of some interspecies sex between a woman and her faithful Doberman. Does this mean that dog is actually woman's best friend?

In one of the most memorable opening sequences in the history of cinema we watch as a young girl plays outside on her bike. She is lured towards the window of her home by a woman's moans. Through the window the girls sees her mother lying naked on her back on the floor, the lovable family pet on top of her, thrusting away (the film makers somehow missing the perfect opportunity to include the much more appropriate doggystyle position). Suddenly Husband walks through the door, and he's not at all happy about Wife and Dog doing the horizontal mambo on the living room floor. He pulls up his naked wife, gives her a smack and shoves her out the door before tying up Fido and then burning the house down with the animal inside. A little harsh on the dog if you ask me, I'm sure the whole sex thing wasn't his idea. But then again you never know, maybe the dog used his canine charm to seduce the woman, plying her with alcohol and then having his way with her. But we'll never truly know because the dog is fucking dead now.
But I digress.

It's at around this point that I imagine most people turn the film off, eject the disc and throw it down a well. And then blow up the well and bulldoze the rubble into the ocean. After all bestiality isn't something most people really like to think about or talk about, kind of like the Holocaust, or Limp Bizkit.
But (simulated) bestiality aside the rest of the film settles into a much more palatable kind of erotica; the kind where humans have sex with humans and dance naked at crazy swingers parties. Some years after the young girl sees her mother ding the dirty with Rex she has apparently run away from home and lives on a small island with her very own Doberman.
Paul (March) is an architect visiting said island in order to design some kind of tourism development. His wife Yvette (Mayniel) has tagged along even though it's obvious that she would really rather be somewhere else. The couple see the girl (whose name is Jeanine - played by Leonora Fani) around the island with her dog but each time she disappears with a ghost-like suddenness.

Paul and Yvette finally meet up with Jeanine after she steals Paul's camera and they form a kind of family relationship. The couple have been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a child and Jeanine has in a way filled the void and somewhat repaired their marriage. But this relationship takes a quasi-incestuous turn, culminating in a threesome involving the pair and their surrogate daughter. The movie also takes an unexpected turn ending with a bloody climax (pun intended) and an ironic twist after finding out from a private investigator that Jeanine is ill.

From what I can gather BESTIALITA' only ever received a release in Italy and as a consequence the only official way to get a hold of it is by trying to find the Italian dvd - which has no subtitles. I've noticed that other reviewers have mentioned that they could follow the story well enough without understanding any of the dialogue but in all honesty I have to say that they are actually missing out on quite a lot. Take for instance the scene where Paul and Yvette discuss which of the party attendants they would rather fuck, or the deliciously ironic and depressing ending. But don't fret because it is possible to watch the movie with English subs, if you rip the dvd (or find a torrent) you can download the subtitles here. Without the subs BESTIALITA' is a decent (if rather slow) sleaze flick, but with them it is actually quite interesting. But that all depends on whether or not you can get past the whole dog-fucking thing.

THE NEW BARBARIANS (1983) Review

Directed by: Enzo G. Castellari
Written by: Tito Carpi, Antonio Visone, Enzo G. Castellari
Starring: Giancarlo Prete, Fred Williamson, George Eastman, Anna Kanakis, Ennio Girolami, Massimo Vanni

"DEALERS IN DEATH... EXTERMINATORS OF THE 21ST CENTURY..."

To kick off George Eastman week (don't bother looking it up it's not a real thing you idiot) I've decided to re-watch and review one of my favorite post apocalyptic flicks of all time. Get ready for some mind-blowing futuristic mayhem as we go back to the future and take a look at Enzo G. Castellari's THE NEW BARBARIANS.

An obviously miniaturised model of a cityscape stands before our eyes. Within seconds we hear the high-pitched whistling of an incoming projectile. A bright shape streaks across the sky and impacts the city. BOOM! As Claudio Simonetti's throbbing synth score kicks in the title flashes upon the screen followed by the opening credits, all the while we watch as the city is swallowed in a billowing cloud of smoke and flame.
Welcome to the future. With the city out of view the text on screen tells us that it is now the year 2019 and the nuclear holocaust we just witnessed is finally over. Civilization's remaining inhabitants have crawled out from their shelters into the relative safety of the now uncontaminated wasteland. The nuclear fallout may not be a threat but of course there are much worse things roaming the wastes.

Things may have been different in the 80s but nowadays THE NEW BARBARIANS' view of the 21st Century is hilarious. Thugs and cutthroats roam the deserts (as you would expect) but rather than the tough, dangerous looking pieces of machinery shown so brilliantly in THE ROAD WARRIOR the villains in this future drive around in modified golf carts, reaching dizzying speeds of over 20 miles an hour. And when they're not wasting fuel (presumably a rare commodity in a post-apocalyptic world) by driving around and around in circles like douchebags, they're terrorizing innocents with their futuristic pew-pew energy weapons. Like douchebags.
Yes this is the kind of future where the bad guys wear big shoulder guards and everybody has a name like Scorpion, Shadow or One. Just think, only five more years until we see this shit for real!

The movie follows our hero Scorpion (played by Giancarlo Prete - and yes I was being serious about the names) who drives around in a car which looks like the retarded love child of Max Rockatansky's Interceptor and that car Homer designed in that one Simpsons episode. And you can tell he's a badass because he has a skull for a hood ornament.
He has a run-in with The Templars, a vicious group of dudes whose goal it is to cleanse the land by killing everybody. Probably not the best long term plan. Anyhow, turns out Scorp used to be a fucking Templar! And now that they know he's back in town their leader One (played brilliantly by George Eastman) wants some good old fashioned revenge. There are some other characters and a limp romance but basically that's the whole premise. Oh and unfortunately there is only one black person in the future, but on the plus side that one black person is Fred fucking Williamson, and he fires exploding arrows! Now that's tough.

Props to the design department whose vision for the future was to dress everybody in stupid clothes, put useless plastic domes on all of the cars and then spray-paint everything in sight silver. And I'd also like to give a shoutout to the Foley artist, I'm curious as to whether they used a blender or a vacuum cleaner to make the sound of the futuristic vehicles. Whichever it was it was fucking annoying and they probably deserve a punch in the face. And speaking of faces and punching I have to mention the young boy whose name I forget. He's supposedly a genius mechanic charged with maintaining Scorpion's car, but he also happens to have the most punchable face in the world. Even his killer skill with a slingshot doesn't detract from my wanting to pound his fucking teeth in. Thankfully his on-screen time is rather minimal.

Since this is George Eastman week let's talk a little more about him. Nobody could ever accuse him of being a great actor but he is brilliant in this flick, embracing his role as the post-apocalyptic death cult leader. Also worth mentioning is the rather unexpected scene where The Templars actually catch Scorpion and in preparation for his execution One gives him his 'initiation'. Initiation is code for 'getting raped in the ass by George Eastman' by the way. Yep. In fact One is probably the most interesting and confusing character in the movie, from his quote about books being responsible for the apocalypse (did I miss something?) right up to his idea to exterminate every living thing on the planet. Oh, why can't we all just get along?

In summary: go see this movie right now. Right fucking now.

SLIME CITY MASSACRE (2010) Review

Directed by: Greg Lamberson
Written by: Greg Lamberson
Starring: Jennifer Bihl, Kealan Patrick Burke, Debbie Rochon, Lee Perkins, Robert C. Sabin, Mary Bogle

"WELCOME TO THE CITY WHERE SLIME NEVER SLEEPS"

With SLIME CITY MASSACRE writer / director Greg Lamberson has managed to create a sequel which is also a prequel to his original film which was released a whopping 22 years earlier. A new time period (two actually) and a (mostly) new cast mark the only major differences from the original film while the rest is a familiar mix of violent, slimy mayhem involving occult leader Zachary Devon's infamous concoctions.

In the wake of a dirty bomb attack, New York City has been evacuated and its only inhabitants now are homeless scavengers (or 'displaced refugees' as they are referred to in the film). A pair of fugitives Alexa (Bihl) and Cory (Burke) looking for shelter in the part of town now known as Slime City, stumble upon a seemingly abandoned building where they run into squatters Mason (Perkins) and Alice (Rochon) who decide to let them stay on account of Cory's impressive set of skeleton keys. While scavenging for food Mason and Cory come across a soup kitchen previously run by Zachary Devon, and inside they find hundreds of bottles of the satanist's home brewed elixir and 'Himalayan Yoghurt'.
Back at their building the two couples chow down on the yoghurt and elixir, go to bed, fuck and unsurprisingly wake up covered with slime and filled with bloodlust.

A decent part of the film is also told through black and white flashbacks, showing scenes that pre-date the original movie and fill in a little of the back story of Zachary Devon and his followers. We witness his first meeting with Nicole as he 'saves' her from her life of prostitution and invites him into his soup kitchen for a meal and a place to belong. It also explains further the moment when Zachary and his followers decide to kill themselves and why Lizzie had to stay behind.
But wait, there's more! A wealthy entrepreneur named Ronald Crump (get it?) has plans to level Slime City so that he can redevelop it, but first he needs to rid it of its transient infestation. His solution? Hire a group of mercenaries to go in and shoot anything that moves. It's all very ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX, and there's nothing wrong with that because that movie rocks.

The political and religious commentaries are obvious in SLIME CITY MASSACRE. A war over oil? Check. Abortions declared illegal? Check. Rich businessman wants to cleanse the city of the bottom-dwelling lower class? Check. Incestuous religious cult? Double check. There's also a really neat STREET TRASH reference, no doubt thrown in due to all of the comparisons people have made in the past.
Almost everything in this sequel outdoes the original, the acting is better, the production values are better, the locations are better, and even the no-boobs issue from the first movie is rectified here. Fans of the original will enjoy the cameos from the original actors and Troma fans will love the trashy vibe and the brief appearance of uncle Lloyd. The only real shame is that the ending doesn't pack anywhere near as powerful a punch as that of the original movie did. But it's still fucking fun.

SLIME CITY (1988) Review

Directed by: Greg Lamberson
Written by: Greg Lamberson
Starring: Robert C. Sabin, Mary Huner, T. J. Merrick, Dick Biel, Dennis Embry

"A HORROR FILM WITH GUTS!"

SLIME CITY is a low budget trash classic that sits comfortably on the shelf beside the likes of BASKET CASE, BODY MELT and STREET TRASH. It's cheap, nasty and gory and not everybody's cup of tea but if you're a fan of Troma classics like THE TOXIC AVENGER and CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH then you'll definitely find something to like here. If slime, blood and a touch of the occult are what you're looking for then you've come to the right place.

Alex (Sabin) is a quiet, sexually frustrated artist who decides to rent an apartment with the aim of getting his girlfriend Lori (Huner) to sleep over. The landlady is happy to rent him the apartment, a little too happy in fact but Alex doesn't seem to care much as long as he has his own place so he can hopefully finally get some pussy. The other tenants in the building are a collection of weirdos and it's when one of these strange neighbours invites him over for dinner that things start to get really crazy. His neighbour Roman (Embry) feeds him some green 'Himalayan yoghurt' and a strange home brewed 'elixir'. Feeling a little worse for wear Alex stumbles back to his apartment, meets the seductive Nicole (also played by Mary Huner) and they end up doing the horizontal mambo. When Alex wakes up the next morning his body is covered with a thick slime so he goes out and beats a homeless man to death, as you do. After feeding this inexplicable bloodlust Alex goes back to his regular non-slimy self.

We learn not too long after that the 'elixir' Alex has been drinking is actually ectoplasm, brewed by a Satanist  named Zachary who (along with his followers) killed himself in the building's basement. The ectoplasm is a primer to facilitate the return of Zachary using Alex's body as a vessel. Will Alex be able to stop his body being taken over by an evil dead Satanist? Will he ever get his girlfriend in the sack? Well to be honest it's pretty easy to predict how the film is going to end, but it's a hell of a fun ride along the way. There's prostitute slicing, bum bashing, some weird erotic dancing, head smashing and much more to see. Sure the effects look cheap (the guts near the end look like hotdogs and scrambled eggs) but they look great in that really trashy kind of way, and the facial makeup on Alex when he turns is actually pretty decent.

SLIME CITY doesn't really start out very strong , in fact to be honest it's a bit slow and there's probably too many talky scenes, but peppered throughout the film are some great gore scenes. One of the more memorable ones sees a mugger stab Alex in the stomach before the wound becomes a mouth that bites his hand off, leaving him with a blood-spraying stump. And even better is the finale which is by far the coolest and goriest part of the movie. The entire film is pretty much made worthwhile by this final scene.
As you might expect the acting isn't anything to rave over, the dialogue is nothing special and even the editing and photography are pretty mediocre. It's a shame there isn't any nudity (especially in a movie with such an obvious sexual theme) but there is a kind of sexy, kind of weird lingerie dance.
SLIME CITY's meagre budget is obvious but so is it's ambition and it's easy to see that the cast and crew had some fun making it. It's easy to write off as just another low budget piece of shit but for fans of cult and trash cinema this is a must see.

MOLD! (2012) Review

Directed by: Neil Meschino
Written by: Dave Fogerson, Meil Meschino
Starring: Lawrence George, Ardis Campbell, Chris Gentile, Rick Haymes, Mike Keller, Edward X. Young

"THIS ISN'T SCIENCE... IT'S MURDER!"

Earlier this week I reviewed a movie about killer worms, creatures which are right up there in the category of 'least threatening things to make a horror movie about ever'. Surprisingly I found it to be quite an effective and well made film and probably more terrifying than it should have been. But what about mold? Could the same green fuzzy stuff that grows on your old food be successfully utilized in a horror movie? Neil Meschino's appropriately titled MOLD! is here to answer that question.

It's 1984 and the US is at the height of the Reagan era war on drugs. Somewhere inside a secret research installation a group of scientists have been working hand in hand with the military to produce a new strain of super-mold, designed to wipe out Columbia's vast coca fields. The political and military big wigs have come by to witness a demonstration of the new biological weapon but of course something goes horribly wrong and the deadly mold is unleashed. Trapped inside the facility with the mold spreading, scientists Roger (Georgie), Julia (Campbell), Dave (Gentile) and Matthew (Haymes) along with an army Colonel (Young) and Sergeant (Keller) need to figure out how to prevent themselves from becoming the deadly growth's next victims.

MOLD! is a very low budget film and as such it takes place in a limited number of small rooms, in fact the majority of the film takes place in one such room. As you might expect it's quite heavy on the talking in-between characters but luckily there is some entertaining dialogue to keep things interesting. The Colonel is by far the most stand out character and despite the overacting he delivers some of the best lines in the film. My personal favorite occurs when his cigar smoking habit is questioned. His reply? "If I could survive a knife fight with a Cambodian mountain jaguar then this little cigar ain't got a chance!" Pure gold. He also makes a number of references to other films which range from cheesy to cringeworthy.

The effects are all practical which is great but I was a little disappointed with the low level of slime in the first hour or so of the movie. I was (perhaps unfairly) expecting some STREET TRASH lever slime and splatter but there's mostly mold-caked walls and a bit of green slime. But where the film really hits its stride is in the final half hour which is full of exploding faces and buckets of blood and goo all over.
MOLD! may not have a ground breaking new concept, it may not have top-tier acting or an excellent script but what it does have in spades is entertainment value, which in all honesty is even more important. If you're looking for a fun, low budget flick then give MOLD! a chance, it may just grow on you.