Double Feature: Blood, Sweat & Fears

It's an undisputed fact that the 80s were the golden era for slasher films. FRIDAY THE 13TH, THE BURNING, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, PROM NIGHT and a whole slew of other classics were released during that amazing decade. In fact so many slashers were produced in the 80s that there are probably more than a few you've probably never even heard about or never had the opportunity to watch. And that's a real shame because a lot of the lesser know movies are some of the best. Summer camps, schools, hospitals and forests were some of the favored locations but did you know that there were not one but two slashers which were centered around a health spa? That's right. The only question now; are they any good? Let's dive into this melange of blood, spandex and sweat and find out.

AEROBICIDE (1987)

Directed by: David A. Prior

Written by: David A. Prior

Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, Teresa Van der Woude

"THE WORKOUT WILL KILL YOU!"

AEROBICIDE (its original title is KILLER WORKOUT but the alternate is so much more amazing) is the first of the fitness slashers and it also happens to be (probably) the most 80s movie you could ever imagine. Everything is saturated with throbbing synth-pop, neon spandex, leg warmers and big hair. It's an amazing sight to behold. It's also easily the weaker of the pair in a lot of ways but we'll get to that in a minute, for now it's time to talk about what this slab of 80s trash is all about.

The movie begins the best way a movie can begin; with a death. A mystery woman (we don't see her face) gets some exciting news via a phone message, something about getting a modeling job. To celebrate she goes to a tanning salon (as you do) and decides to bake herself a little. But shit turns bad when the tanning bed bakes her for real, flames and smoke billowing out while she screams in agony. Then we jump cut to Rhonda's Gym, a meeting place for beautiful, tight, sweaty bodies. Before long a dead body turns up and hardboiled detective Morgan (Campbell) rushes in to get to the bottom of things. Among his suspects are the gym's owner Rhonda (Karr), sleazy trainer Jimmy (Matthews) and muscelbound undercover private eye Chuck (Prior).

What follows is a seemingly endless stream of workout montages; tight asses and tits clad in spandex, thrusting towards the camera and big, shiny muscles pumping iron. Shorts, bright leotards, leg warmers and headbands, all accompanied by big 80s synth tunes. And every now and then somebody gets killed by an unknown person armed with an oversized safety-pin. It' up to Detective Morgan and P.I. Chuck to stop the killer before all of the gym's clients end having an unintended 'killer workout'. But as they both bumble about doing not much of anything (except for Chuck who manages to punch the shit out of not one but two gym employees, and then later use a rake as a weapon), the bodies pile up.

Pretty much everything in AEROBICIDE can be summed up with the word 'insane', from the bizarre dialogue ("Tell that college boy that if he doesn't have that report ready in 30 minutes, I'm going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face! You got that?") to the crazy editing, the completely random dream sequence and the just plain weird red herrings thrown around everywhere. As a horror movie AEROBICIDE fails, but as a perverted reel of shamelessly shot tits and ass (it most certainly fills its sexy quota) it excels amazingly. You won't strain your brain guessing who the killer is but you'll have a hell of fun time along the way.

DEATH SPA (1989)

Directed by: Michael Fischa
Written by: James Bartruff, Mitch Paradise
Starring: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick, Robert Lipton, Alexa Hamilton, Tane McClure, Ken Foree

"STRANGE THINGS ARE A BREWING AT THE LOCAL GYM..."

Much like the previous film DEATH SPA has plenty of oiled bods, tight buns and a thick 80s atmosphere, but where AEROBICIDE fails this movie succeeds. It also has Ken Foree (DAWN OF THE DEAD), how rad is that? DEATH SPA goes for a bit of a different angle with a supernatural element and it also has a deeper plot and much more gore than its fellow fitness slasher. And just take a look at this totally gnarly box art. That's fucking cool.

To open the film the camera slowly swoops in towards the front of the Star Body Health Spa. A storm rages in the background, thunder and lightning crashing and flashing. A bolt of electricity strikes the building and blows out some of the neon tubes on the sign. The sign now reads STAR BODY HEALTH SPA. The camera continues in through the doorway and we are shown the inside of the spa just as it's getting ready to shut for the night. It's a really stylish and promising beginning, and the good news is that from here on things just get better.

The health spa is owned by widower Michael (Bumiller), whose wheelchair-bound wife committed suicide (after miscarrying) a year earlier by soaking her self in gasoline and lighting herself on fire. Nice.
Business is booming at the spa (in part probably due to the way the female clients ask hunky Michael to 'take care' of their memberships) and things are looking good for Mike. But things start to go downhill when Mike's new girlfriend Laura (Bakke) gets chlorine burns from a shower-gone-wrong. More accidents begin to occur and a pair of detectives are brought in to find out just how 'accidental' these deaths and injuries are.
To make things worse Michael's brother in law David (Butrick) is in charge of the spa's computer system (which controls everything) and he still holds a grudge against Michael for his sister's death. With sabotage, revenge and a supernatural twist as possible explanations Michael needs to solve the mystery before it's too late.

The deaths come thick and fast in DEATH SPA and range from brutal to downright hilarious. One woman has a deadly encounter with a blender, a paranormal investigator has his gun explode (and his hand along with it) and a cop finds himself locked in a freezer with a killer frozen fish. It's pretty rad stuff. There's plenty that doesn't make sense and some unnecessary padding but all in all it's a pretty entertaining journey which culminates in a pretty satisfying finale.