CLASS OF 1999 (1990) Review

Directed by: Mark L. Lester
Written by: Mark L. Lester, C.Courtney Joyner, John Skipp
Starring: Bradley Gregg, Traci Lind, Malcolm McDowell, Stacy Keach, Pam Grier, Patrick Kilpatrick, John P. Ryan

"HIRED TO TEACH. PROGRAMMED TO KILL!"

Welcome to the distant future of the year 1999. The good ol' U.S. of A (and specifically its education system) is falling apart and large areas of its major cities are under the control of vicious gangs. These so-called 'Free-Fire Zones' are so out of control that even the police are too afraid to enter, resulting in lawless battlegrounds and constant gang-driven turf wars. Kennedy High School just happens to be smack-bang in the middle of one of these Free-Fire Zones in an area of Seattle which is home to a pair of warring gangs; The Blackhearts and the Razorheads.

Principal Miles Langford (McDowell) is so sick of the unruly students and lawless state of his school that he agrees to take part in an experiment headed by Dr. Bob Forrest (Keach), a member of the Board of Government Educational Defence. The experiment involves bringing a trio of new teachers to the school, but not just any teachers. The new faculty members may look human but are in fact ex-military cyborgs, reprogrammed to both educate and discipline their students. At first they function as expected, getting just physical enough to keep the students in line, but soon the cyborgs begin to revert to their original military programming and their discipline turns brutal and fatal. Now it's up to recently paroled Blackheart Cody (Gregg) and principal's daughter Christie (Lind) to try and unite the two rival gangs and destroy their new teachers before they all find themselves in eternal detention.

Director Mark L. Lester's follow up to the cult classic CLASS OF 1984 is a pseudo-sequel (later followed by CLASS OF 1999 II) which takes quite a departure from the original and is probably all the better off for it. A direct sequel just wouldn't have worked but 1999 takes a different path and lets action, violence and special effects take centre stage, giving little concern to things like 'plot development' or 'character development' - but hey who needs that kind of crap anyway? Indeed the last half hour of the film is a spectacular melange of motorbikes, bullets, blood and shit blowing up. It's almost like BRONX WARRIORS meets THE TERMINATOR as the delinquent thugs race around the school trying to destroy the weaponized 'teachers'.

But there's plenty more to enjoy aside from the violence and effects work like the suitably thumping soundtrack including an early tune from Nine Inch Nails (who were credited as The Nine Inch Nails). And of course I can't forget to mention the barrage of amazing/terrible one-liners. Telling the History teacher-bot "You're history!" before blowing his cranial circuitry all over the wall? Priceless. Plus how many movies give you the opportunity to get a glimpse of Pam Grier's robo-nipples? Stacy Keach does a great job hamming it up as a mad scientist type too. It's hard to believe that McDowell, Grier and Keach all ended up in this low budget schlockfest but I'm glad they did. In fact I'm going to go out on a limb and say (and I'm probably in the minority here) that CLASS OF 1999 is infinitely more enjoyable than its predecessor. It may not be as 'good' a movie but it is much more entertaining. Well worth a look.

Kvlt News: PHANTASM V Is On It's Way

That's right the creepy old man and his balls are back. The fifth film in the PHANTASM franchise (officially titled PHANTASM: RAVAGER) is real and is coming in the (hopefully) not too distant future. Word is that the shooting on the film is already finished and according to Phantasm Archives it actually began filming as early as 2008. Unfortunately apart from the neat poster and a few other tidbits there isn't a lot of info available as of yet. Word on the street is that RAVAGER's writer and director is David Hartman (with Don Coscarelli supervising) and a lot of the series' familiar elements and cast have returned for the latest instalment. Still no news on a plot outline or a release date but be sure to keep your eyes peeled for more news soon. In the meantime check out the poster below.

Probably The Best Thing You'll See All Day: PMS COP

Hell hath no fury like a female cop with "extreme PMS", or at least that's what this upcoming movie would have you believe. Does it sound offensive? Tasteless? Of course it does (the best movies usually are), but if the trailer is anything to go by (and usually that's the whole idea of a trailer) it also looks like it could be fucking brilliant. I've been seeing some pretty gnarly and interesting movie titles lately (WOLF COP and FIST OF JESUS are just a couple) but PMS COP might just take the cake. I can't fucking wait.

Charles Band's Wizard Studios will be releasing PMS COP very soon via Full Moon Streaming so keep an eye out, and in the meantime check out the trailer and promo art below.

Synopsis: “Caught on camera brutally beating a clown rapist, police officer Mary Collins is informed by her commanding officer that she needs counseling. Her therapist quickly concludes that she suffers from “extreme PMS” and enrolls her in a drug trial for the new menstrual wonder drug. Mary responds positively until a devastating incident throws her into a monstrous drug-induced killing frenzy. Soon everyone who comes into contact with the PMS cop realizes it IS her time of the month”

Official PMS COP website.

Double Feature: Blood, Sweat & Fears

It's an undisputed fact that the 80s were the golden era for slasher films. FRIDAY THE 13TH, THE BURNING, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, PROM NIGHT and a whole slew of other classics were released during that amazing decade. In fact so many slashers were produced in the 80s that there are probably more than a few you've probably never even heard about or never had the opportunity to watch. And that's a real shame because a lot of the lesser know movies are some of the best. Summer camps, schools, hospitals and forests were some of the favored locations but did you know that there were not one but two slashers which were centered around a health spa? That's right. The only question now; are they any good? Let's dive into this melange of blood, spandex and sweat and find out.

AEROBICIDE (1987)

Directed by: David A. Prior

Written by: David A. Prior

Starring: Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, Teresa Van der Woude

"THE WORKOUT WILL KILL YOU!"

AEROBICIDE (its original title is KILLER WORKOUT but the alternate is so much more amazing) is the first of the fitness slashers and it also happens to be (probably) the most 80s movie you could ever imagine. Everything is saturated with throbbing synth-pop, neon spandex, leg warmers and big hair. It's an amazing sight to behold. It's also easily the weaker of the pair in a lot of ways but we'll get to that in a minute, for now it's time to talk about what this slab of 80s trash is all about.

The movie begins the best way a movie can begin; with a death. A mystery woman (we don't see her face) gets some exciting news via a phone message, something about getting a modeling job. To celebrate she goes to a tanning salon (as you do) and decides to bake herself a little. But shit turns bad when the tanning bed bakes her for real, flames and smoke billowing out while she screams in agony. Then we jump cut to Rhonda's Gym, a meeting place for beautiful, tight, sweaty bodies. Before long a dead body turns up and hardboiled detective Morgan (Campbell) rushes in to get to the bottom of things. Among his suspects are the gym's owner Rhonda (Karr), sleazy trainer Jimmy (Matthews) and muscelbound undercover private eye Chuck (Prior).

What follows is a seemingly endless stream of workout montages; tight asses and tits clad in spandex, thrusting towards the camera and big, shiny muscles pumping iron. Shorts, bright leotards, leg warmers and headbands, all accompanied by big 80s synth tunes. And every now and then somebody gets killed by an unknown person armed with an oversized safety-pin. It' up to Detective Morgan and P.I. Chuck to stop the killer before all of the gym's clients end having an unintended 'killer workout'. But as they both bumble about doing not much of anything (except for Chuck who manages to punch the shit out of not one but two gym employees, and then later use a rake as a weapon), the bodies pile up.

Pretty much everything in AEROBICIDE can be summed up with the word 'insane', from the bizarre dialogue ("Tell that college boy that if he doesn't have that report ready in 30 minutes, I'm going to go over there and do an autopsy on his face! You got that?") to the crazy editing, the completely random dream sequence and the just plain weird red herrings thrown around everywhere. As a horror movie AEROBICIDE fails, but as a perverted reel of shamelessly shot tits and ass (it most certainly fills its sexy quota) it excels amazingly. You won't strain your brain guessing who the killer is but you'll have a hell of fun time along the way.

DEATH SPA (1989)

Directed by: Michael Fischa
Written by: James Bartruff, Mitch Paradise
Starring: William Bumiller, Brenda Bakke, Merritt Butrick, Robert Lipton, Alexa Hamilton, Tane McClure, Ken Foree

"STRANGE THINGS ARE A BREWING AT THE LOCAL GYM..."

Much like the previous film DEATH SPA has plenty of oiled bods, tight buns and a thick 80s atmosphere, but where AEROBICIDE fails this movie succeeds. It also has Ken Foree (DAWN OF THE DEAD), how rad is that? DEATH SPA goes for a bit of a different angle with a supernatural element and it also has a deeper plot and much more gore than its fellow fitness slasher. And just take a look at this totally gnarly box art. That's fucking cool.

To open the film the camera slowly swoops in towards the front of the Star Body Health Spa. A storm rages in the background, thunder and lightning crashing and flashing. A bolt of electricity strikes the building and blows out some of the neon tubes on the sign. The sign now reads STAR BODY HEALTH SPA. The camera continues in through the doorway and we are shown the inside of the spa just as it's getting ready to shut for the night. It's a really stylish and promising beginning, and the good news is that from here on things just get better.

The health spa is owned by widower Michael (Bumiller), whose wheelchair-bound wife committed suicide (after miscarrying) a year earlier by soaking her self in gasoline and lighting herself on fire. Nice.
Business is booming at the spa (in part probably due to the way the female clients ask hunky Michael to 'take care' of their memberships) and things are looking good for Mike. But things start to go downhill when Mike's new girlfriend Laura (Bakke) gets chlorine burns from a shower-gone-wrong. More accidents begin to occur and a pair of detectives are brought in to find out just how 'accidental' these deaths and injuries are.
To make things worse Michael's brother in law David (Butrick) is in charge of the spa's computer system (which controls everything) and he still holds a grudge against Michael for his sister's death. With sabotage, revenge and a supernatural twist as possible explanations Michael needs to solve the mystery before it's too late.

The deaths come thick and fast in DEATH SPA and range from brutal to downright hilarious. One woman has a deadly encounter with a blender, a paranormal investigator has his gun explode (and his hand along with it) and a cop finds himself locked in a freezer with a killer frozen fish. It's pretty rad stuff. There's plenty that doesn't make sense and some unnecessary padding but all in all it's a pretty entertaining journey which culminates in a pretty satisfying finale.

Probably The Best Thing You'll See All Day: THE BERZERK DEATH DEALER

Lots of movies have taken inspiration from anime in the past but perhaps none so much as this upcoming feature from Planet Boom Boom Pictures. Director Vishal Rajput's THE BERZERK DEATH DEALER looks like it's shaping up to be a wild ride with plenty of fast-paced, bone-crunching, blood-splattering action. Check out the action-packed trailer below and stay tuned for more details.

Synopsis: "Young Alejandro is one bad-ass dude. As number one assassin for the Demon Clan, he's got 99,999 heads to prove it. He can smoke a joint in one puff, drain a bottle in one gulp, and talk trash better than anyone. And when he gets going, his blades sing, his fists fly, and his enemies' heads explode.
His demonic master, Basilisk, has plans for Alejandro -- but everything changes when Alejandro discovers his humanity and spares the life of a young mother. Now Basilisk is out to destroy Alejandro, with the help of a new protégé -- Amon, a ruthless assassin formed from the souls of 1,000 serial killers..."

PLANET BOOM BOOM PICTURES Facebook Page.

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977) Review

Directed by: William Sachs
Written by: William Sachs
Starring: Alex Rebar, Burr DeBenning, Myron Healey, Ann Sweeny, Michael Alldredge

"THE FIRST NEW HORROR CREATURE!"

"You've never seen anything, 'til you've seen the Sun through the rings of Saturn!" - so says Astronaut Steve West (Rebar) right before being bombarded with radiation and crossing the gross, dripping threshold between being a human and being THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN! Critics seem to love shitting all over this movie (it's sitting at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes right now while its audience score is a much more appropriate 68%)
but you can't fault it for delivering exactly what it promises; a melting man. The 'plot' basically consists of a liquefying man in a blind rage, murdering people indiscriminately while wearing buckets of Rick Baker's excellent practical effects.

Essentially FIRST MAN INTO SPACE or THE QUATERMASS XPERIMENT brought forward a couple of decades, THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN takes a common '50s premise and updates it with some classic '70s effects. Astronaut Steve West is orbiting Saturn when some super space radiation comes out of nowhere and gives him a gnarly nosebleed. Back on Earth Steve is lying in a hospital bed, covered with bandages, and this is when he begins his slimy transformation into the titular melting man. He terrorizes a fat nurse, escaping the hospital in the process and then goes on an all out killing spree, becoming stronger and more violent as he melts. It's up to Dr Ted Nelson (DeBenning) and General Michael Perry (Healey) to stop him, but only if Dr Nelson can find some goddamn crackers to go with his goddamn soup!

 Apart from a radical drippy mutoid murdering people we're also treated to an array of some of the most interesting scenes I've seen lately. One of the best is when Dr Nelson tries to pull one of those "hey, look over there!" distractions on his wife, making a HUGE deal about not having crackers to go with his soup just because he wants to avoid talking about the melting man that's on the loose. Brilliant. Then there's the nurse who jumps through a window (in slow-motion) for no reason at all. And then of course there's 'The Adventures of Severed Head' in which we watch (for no reason) as a disembodied noggin floats down a river and then down a waterfall before smashing on sharp rocks at the bottom. How integral are these scenes to the movie? Not at all, but they're brilliant.

THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN is most definitely not everybody's cup of tea. The melting man cares not for plot! The melting man cares not for character development! The melting man cares not for explaining things! In fact the melting man only really cares for murder, and the movie only really cares about the melting man. And there's nothing wrong with that. If gore, slime, boobs and slime is the kind of thing you look for in a movie then you're in luck because that's about all you'll get in this brilliantly '70s schlockfest.

Probably The Best Thing You'll See All Day: MEGAFOOT

Ever think that Bigfoot was a little on the small side? Sasquatch not threatening enough? Well prepare to have your brain exploded with the sheer awesomeness of this MEGAFOOT poster. It's a cult film fan's wet dream. But if you're not satisfied with this just being a poster then maybe you'd be interested to know that MEGAFOOT is currently gathering funds via an Indiegogo campaign in order to become a fully realised feature film. And what's more the film makers are going old school with plans to have a fully practical effects driven cyber-sasquatch. So head on over and give generously if you want to see this beast become a reality.

Synopsis:  "A highly classified experiment accidentally unleashes a top secret killing machine known as MEGAFOOT. Part Cyborg, Part Bigfoot. All Terror! And now it’s up to an elite squad of soldiers to track down the beast and kill it before it destroys everyone and everything in its path. A married couple, a group of college students, the scientists who know the truth, and some not-too friendly locals are about to confront their worst nightmare in this action-packed, horror thriller, gore-ride that’s bigger than big… It’s MEGAFOOT!"

Official MEGAFOOT Facebook page.

BESTIALITA' (1976) Review

Directed by: George Eastman, Peter Skerl
Written by: George Eastman, Peter Skerl
Starring: Philippe March, Juliette Mayniel, Leonora Fani, Enrico Maria Salerno, Franca Stoppi

BESTIALITA' (aka DOG LAY AFTERNOON) is a thick slice of sleazy Italian erotica which was co-written and co-directed by Euro-cult legend George Eastman; remembered by most as the beast from ANTHROPOPHAGUS. No stranger to perversion and filth (he had a history of working with Joe D'Amato and appearing in such films as EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD and HARD SENSATION) he managed to crank things up a notch in this film by adding some forbidden love in the form of some interspecies sex between a woman and her faithful Doberman. Does this mean that dog is actually woman's best friend?

In one of the most memorable opening sequences in the history of cinema we watch as a young girl plays outside on her bike. She is lured towards the window of her home by a woman's moans. Through the window the girls sees her mother lying naked on her back on the floor, the lovable family pet on top of her, thrusting away (the film makers somehow missing the perfect opportunity to include the much more appropriate doggystyle position). Suddenly Husband walks through the door, and he's not at all happy about Wife and Dog doing the horizontal mambo on the living room floor. He pulls up his naked wife, gives her a smack and shoves her out the door before tying up Fido and then burning the house down with the animal inside. A little harsh on the dog if you ask me, I'm sure the whole sex thing wasn't his idea. But then again you never know, maybe the dog used his canine charm to seduce the woman, plying her with alcohol and then having his way with her. But we'll never truly know because the dog is fucking dead now.
But I digress.

It's at around this point that I imagine most people turn the film off, eject the disc and throw it down a well. And then blow up the well and bulldoze the rubble into the ocean. After all bestiality isn't something most people really like to think about or talk about, kind of like the Holocaust, or Limp Bizkit.
But (simulated) bestiality aside the rest of the film settles into a much more palatable kind of erotica; the kind where humans have sex with humans and dance naked at crazy swingers parties. Some years after the young girl sees her mother ding the dirty with Rex she has apparently run away from home and lives on a small island with her very own Doberman.
Paul (March) is an architect visiting said island in order to design some kind of tourism development. His wife Yvette (Mayniel) has tagged along even though it's obvious that she would really rather be somewhere else. The couple see the girl (whose name is Jeanine - played by Leonora Fani) around the island with her dog but each time she disappears with a ghost-like suddenness.

Paul and Yvette finally meet up with Jeanine after she steals Paul's camera and they form a kind of family relationship. The couple have been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a child and Jeanine has in a way filled the void and somewhat repaired their marriage. But this relationship takes a quasi-incestuous turn, culminating in a threesome involving the pair and their surrogate daughter. The movie also takes an unexpected turn ending with a bloody climax (pun intended) and an ironic twist after finding out from a private investigator that Jeanine is ill.

From what I can gather BESTIALITA' only ever received a release in Italy and as a consequence the only official way to get a hold of it is by trying to find the Italian dvd - which has no subtitles. I've noticed that other reviewers have mentioned that they could follow the story well enough without understanding any of the dialogue but in all honesty I have to say that they are actually missing out on quite a lot. Take for instance the scene where Paul and Yvette discuss which of the party attendants they would rather fuck, or the deliciously ironic and depressing ending. But don't fret because it is possible to watch the movie with English subs, if you rip the dvd (or find a torrent) you can download the subtitles here. Without the subs BESTIALITA' is a decent (if rather slow) sleaze flick, but with them it is actually quite interesting. But that all depends on whether or not you can get past the whole dog-fucking thing.

Probably The Best Thing You'll See All Day: BABYMETAL

BABYMETAL is a thing. In fact it's apparently been a thing since 2011 but for whatever reason I'm only first hearing about it today. BABYMETAL is a band out of Japan comprised of three teen girls with a combined age of 44 (one 16 years old and the other two both 14) which combines sweet bubblegum pop with bone crunching heavy metal. It shouldn't work, it really shouldn't. But somehow they manage to pull it off and at the time of this post their self-titled album is number 1 on the iTunes UK Heavy Metal chart, beating out bands like BLACK SABBATH and IRON MAIDEN. No I'm not joking.
Love it or hate it BABYMETAL's music is unlike anything you have ever heard before and you owe it to yourself to at least check it out. Wrap your eyes and ears around the latest video for the song 'Gimme Chocolate!' below and if you still want more there are another 16 clips on the band's Youtube channel.

Official BABYMETAL Facebook page.

5 Of The Best: George Eastman Movies

George Eastman (born Luigi Montefiori) is not only an experienced Euro-cult actor (with around 60 film and television acting credits to his name) but also an accomplished writer, producer and even director. Although his isn't a name that you might hear mentioned very often he has been involved in some impressive movies during the course of his career, and in celebration of George Eastman Week we're about to take a look at what I believe are five of his best, and one that you should probably avoid.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS (1980) full review

Lets start out with the obvious. ANTHROPOPHAGUS (also THE GRIM REAPER, THE BEAST, MAN EATER and a slew of other titles) is one of the many occasions where George Eastman teamed up with sleaze-tastic director Joe D'Amato. The result was a film so grotesque and depraved that it swiftly ended up on the notorious 'Video Nasties' list. The truth is its not really all that extreme - especially nowadays - but its still worth a look even just to see just what kinds of atrocities a film needed to portray to end up on that infamous list. Fetus eating and autocannibalism are the order of the day and George Eastman's portrayal of the insane flesh-eating monster is near unforgettable.

THE NEW BARBARIANS (1983) full review

Italian post-apocalyptic trash is some of the best trash out there, and George Eastman is no stranger to appearing in some of the more impressive films. With a remarkable resume including ENDGAME, 2019 AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK and THE BRONX WARRIORS my favorite is easily Enzo Castellari's THE NEW BARBARIANS. Its a ridiculously 80s vision of the future complete with awful clothes, buckets of silver paint and a pulsing synth score by Claudio Simonetti. It also has Fred fucking Williamson blowing shit up with explosive arrows, and we're even treated to a scene where Eastman's villainous character gives the good guy a nice ass-raping.

RABID DOGS (1974)

Rabid dogs was filmed in '74 but was siezed by the courts before release due to the producer going bankrupt. As a result Mario Bava's masterpiece of tension and suspense didn't receive a release until 1998 which is a fucking shame because according to his son Lamberto, Mario considered this his most important work. The bulk of RABID DOGS is shot in a car after a trio of criminals pull off a heist and escape the cops. George Eastman puts on probably his most impressive acting display as he plays a violent, sadistic and perverted thug. A brilliant precursor to films like RESERVOIR DOGS Bava's thriller throws a shocking curve-ball  at the end.

DELIRIUM (1987)

DELIRIUM starts out looking like a sleazy porno, with photos of nude and semi-nude women and some awful porn music. Sleazy and perverted and full of tits, Lamberto Bava's DELIRIUM actually ends up being quite a strong giallo flick with some stylish lighting and camera work and some interesting surreal scenes shown from the killer's pov. Apart from George Eastman (who doesn't really have a huge role to be honest) it also stars Serena Grandi (from ANTHROPOPHAGUS) and Daria Nicolodi (name an Argento flick and she's probably in it). If you like your giallo with plenty of skin and blood then DELIRIUM is definitely worth looking at.

STAGE FRIGHT (1987)

A stage rehearsal goes bad when the cast find themselves locked in the theatre with a killer! Michele Soavi's debut feature is a stylish mix of giallo and slasher, unsurprising when you realize he previously worked as assistant director under Italian legends Joe D'Amato, Dario Argento and Lamberto Bava. George Eastman doesn't have an acting part in this flick, rather this is one of his efforts at writing a screenplay. Murder, mystery and heavy metal is on the menu as are an entertaining array of death scenes and a killer wearing a giant owl's head mask, and all of it is captured with some excellent camera work.

And finally here's one to avoid...

For Eastman completionists it might be worth a watch just to see the man parading around like a prehistoric Hitler, wearing a fake lion head and swinging a chunk of iron as he declares war on everything (trust me it's not as awesome as it sounds), but otherwise I suggest staying far away from this Umberto Lenzi turkey. The poster art may look super fucking badass but don't let it fool you, there is no radical looking battle-axe and certainly no tits in this movie. And the icing on the shit-cake is Sam Pasco in the lead, a former gay adult film star (known as Big Max) who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag.